Forgive me
by Azumiya Satsuki
Summary: I looked at it again. A razor, so clean and so beautifully sharp. Just half an inch from my hand. Just half an inch from making everything end. And I wondered whether it should.
1. Chapter 1

**Guys I feel like an utter shit and I need to get myself functioning right again T.T So I wrote this.**

 **Warning: Suicidal thoughts and mentions of self harm might be triggering. Don't read unless you can handle it.**

* * *

Karma's P.O.V.

I looked at it again.

A razor, so clean and so beautifully sharp. Just half an inch from my hand. Just half an inch from ending it all.

Did I really want this?

Did I deserve this?

 _Did it matter?_

Many questions whirling my mind, no answers to be found. I don't understand. What's wrong with me? What's going on? What is it that drove me to this state? The fact that my one and only family was gone? That Koro-sensei was dead, Nagisa-kun hundrets of miles away, parents who knows where and I... I alone, abandoned?

I decided to stay in this school. I decided to never tell anyone about my feelings.

Worthless. Pretendious. Empty.

Even Koro-sensei didn't know. And he was the first one I considered my parent.

But even then, he didn't know.

And now that it actually got so bad I would actually willingly seek his help,

 _he's no longer here._

 _No one is here anymore._

 _I'm alone._

I wanted to stop thinking like this. Everyone got over it. The class was alright, everyone was okay and enjyoing their youth and everything. Only I was drowning in self-hatred, only I acted as though I was alright while slowly dying.

How pathetic.

Despiseful.

Everything felt so empty. I don't think it was only loneliness that was suffocating me now. I have always had that habit of getting depressed, of forgeting the meaning of life and getting lost in the stream of thoughts.

But it never got this bad.

The room was dark. I lived in the dorms for Kunugigaoka since I thought I would stop hurting myself if I were in a place full of people.

Oh how wrong I was. People or not, alone or in company, I still craved it. The thought cold merciless blade on my skin. The thought of depriving myself of food, sleep and sometimes even oxygen. The wonderful ideas of how to end it all. The satisfaction when I bought all the sleeping pills.

I never used them but now? Now was different.

I wanted to try it all. Sleeping pills, hanging myself, drowning, jumping from a building. But I could die only once. So I choose the razor because I wanted to end it in red. Not to mention that for the last time, I would be able to feel. Even if it were pain. I would feel.

Red was a beautiful colour.

Red was what I wanted all over my wrists.

Once again, I glanced at the thing in my hand. It urged me to do it. Just half an inch. Just a small distance.

"I can't do this now, can I?" I muttered, feeling something hot dripping down my cheeks. Tears. Oh how long has it been since I shed tears? "Sensei might be watching."

It was actually what made me stop for a bit. It was what made me reconsider whether I really had no way to overcome this.

But I needed it. Just this once, I wanted to be free.

"Nagisa, Nakamura, everyone... please forget about me." I continued with this meaningless monologue. I don't know what was the purpose - to atone? Apologize? Or to prepare myself?

Maybe I could get better.

Or maybe I could just end it all.

Maybe if I did give up, everything would be better.

There was no meaning to it anyway. My life had no meaning anyway, it never had.

So why try?

At that last question, I smiled. It was so easy.

One cut.

neat

quick

liberating

One last tear.

bitter

regretful

relieved

And everything...

Everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm sorry for worrying you guys, I'm alright now I guess and I hope that at least you had a good time reading this? :)**

 **I actually hesitated a lot whether I should continue or not. It was supposed to be one shot ( _The only one_ was also supposed to be one shot XD). But seeing that you guys needed more and that I just basically... killed my most favourite anime/manga character... yeah, I wrote this. (Btw, I really ship Karma x Asano right now so Asano is in this)**

 **Just telling you that this fanfic won't be long, maybe one or two more chapters, but that's it. I still have three more you know? :X**

 **Anyways, thanks for reading, reviewing, favouriting and following :)**

* * *

Asano's P.O.V.

Ten p.m.

One of the best times to visit your classmate, I know. But something inside just really urged me to go and see him. Don't ask why, don't try to look for anything rational.

I could blame my action on the fact that Akabane has been acting strangely the last few days. Not weird like good weird, but the... I don't know how to describe it. He didn't joke or even talk much and when I tried to have a conversation with him, his voice lacked the usual bite to it.

And the eyes. The amber eyes which shone bright with mischief and energy.

Their flame now vanished, leaving a dead, empty look.

It didn't make any better impression when I realized that he grew paler and paler with each day.

But maybe I was just imagining things, digging into things too much.

So I did my best to ignore it and to tell myself that it was none of my bussiness. But that was it. Lying to myself that I didn't and shouldn't care was enough to hold me back for a few days. Few days gone, that devil still acting weird and I just couldn't help but suspect that something was wrong.

After two hours of studying (or rather thinking it over, whether I should really go), I just couldn't withstand it anymore, bad feeling and curiosity killing me.

That's how I found myself in front of the redhead's door. Ridiculous, right? I tried to think of an excuse for going there but found none. That strange, omnious feeling in my stomach grew and I just swallowed my price. Taking a deep breath it, I knocked and waited.

And waited.

It felt like something was crawling under my skin - it was ten p.m. Not a time for someone to take a walk (don't count me, I'm just a worrywart). So I knocked again and tried to open the door.

They were unlocked.

"Akabane?" I called while glancing in but no reply came. I saw a light coming from a half-open door to his bathroom. Assuming that the idiot had forgotten to turn off the lights, I went further.

And the whole world distorted.

There, on the ground sat my rival, his eyes closed, eyelashes and cheeks soaked by tears and his hand... his hand drenched in red, crimson red flowing down the bathtube and colouring it as well. By his right hand laid a single razor, stained in that ugly liquid. My eyes must have been deceiving me. There was no way Karma was commiting suicide. Not him. No.

Terrified as I were, I couldn't afford to break down or throw up at the moment. Adrenaline took over my body and I rushed to the boy's side, hastily checking his pulse. So weak.

"FUCK IT, AKABANE!" I yelled as I took out my phone and dialed the ambulance: "Kunugigaoka High School dorms, Room 42, student with a slitted wrist, on the verge of dying. HURRY!" And not losing even one second, I threw the phone away to start with first aid.

I took off my tie and tightly bandaged the place where he cut. I didn't spare any strenght as my priority at the moment was to slow the bleeding down and _damn_ , he was bleeding **_a lot._** I needed more than one tie though so I raised his arm up, hoping that gravity would do its work and decelerate the flow, while looking for bandage in the bathroom cabinet. Much to my horror and relief, I found countless of them, along with disinfection.

 _He couldn't have cut before, could he?_

Leaving that aside, I immediately procceeded to slowing the process down by strangulating the blood stream - binding the area of upper forearm - and puting more pressure on the injury by adding more bandage. It was drenching with blood and I cried in despair, afraid of the worst. He must have lost lots of blood by now. Who knows how long it has been since he did... _this_.

"Don't you dare die on me, Akabane!" I shouted at the motionless, deathly pale boy. Not that he could answer me. At least not _now._

"I'm not letting you give up so easily, Karma. Do you hear me?! I'M NOT LETTING YOU!"

I checked his pulse again, feeling that it got weaker with every beat. He was still breathing but I knew that he didn't have much longer before...

No. Never.

He was going to survive.

And I was going to beat the shit out of him.

While waiting for the goddamn fucking slow ambulace, I twisted more bandage around his wrist, not caring any tiny bit that in worst case scenerio he could lose an arm because of it. My jaw hurt from gritting my teeth, my eyes stinging from the raw stench of iron and I was trembling so bad because here he sat, half-dead and then-

 **he tried to commit suicide.**

Why.

 **Why?!**

Finally, the sounds of running men were heard and I shouted 'HERE!' so that they would find us quicker.

And when they at last arrived, everything became blurry.

I remember them taking the redhead from my arms, placing him on the gurney and yelling something while running to the car with him. The sounds meddled together and the images were once too slow, then too fast, then too vivid and painful. My legs were weak and I felt so in daze that it didn't even dawn on me that some other men were trying to talk with me.

They looked worried and it was only a second before losing conscioussness that I realized I was lying on the floor with two parademics hovering over me.

The last thing I was aware of were my last words before giving in to the darkness.

 _"Save him"_

no matter what it takes


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys I know I haven't updated in forever but seriously I had troubles lately making things up and I actually got so stressed I thought I would just give up but damn, I couldn't do that. Either way, sorry sorry and sooorryyy.**

 **I want to tell you though that I'm taking a 2-3 weeks long break so yeah, no updates T.T Sowwyyy But I want to calm down and do nothing at all so yeah...**

 **Hope you enjoy this! :)**

* * *

Asano's P.O.V.

I woke up in a white room - white ceiling, white walls and bed. Although I had almost no recollection of what happened, it wasn't hard to figure out where I was. The hospital.

Sitting up, I squeezed my eyes and then looked around again in hope to see someone familiar. But I was alone. I just sat there for a good while, trying to remember how I ended up in this place. I felt no pain or injuries whatsoever so theoretically I had no reason to have spent the night in here.

I recalled writing essays and doing homework in there dorms. I recalled the uneasiness I felt and then-

I went to Karma.

And I found him in a pool of blood.

"Shit!" I jumped out of the bed and headed out to the abandoned corridors. After a while of frantically searching for a doctor or a nurse, I found one.

"Excuse me!" I called out as I ran towards one black haired man, probably a doctor, who walked out of another room.

Once that man spotted me, he stopped and already wanted to say something but was immediately cut off by me: "Do you know where Akabane Karma is? He was admitted yesterday in the evening, about ten or eleven p.m. Is he alright? What ha-"

But before I could spurt out any more questions, the doctor put a reassuring hand on my shoulder: "Calm down, please. Let's sit down and then we can talk, alright?"

I didn't like that voice. It was too calm. Too gentle. As if it wanted to say something bad but didn't know how. Despite the omnious feeling, I just nodded and together, we sat on one of the benches nearby.

I didn't dare utter a single word right now. I was suddenly too scared to hear anything - I didn't know why. Maybe the tranquility of these corridors and the white - the pure and yet eerie white - prevented me from doing so. Maybe I felt that any sound could break this frail peace here and I feared that if that happened, the same would happen to the redhead.

That frail life would break.

And I was scared of that.

"I know who you are talking about. Akabane Karma-kun, was it?" The doctor finally spoke up, his eyes not leaving my figure. I only nodded. "Are you good friends?"

Something in me jumped. The man in white said ' _are'._ Not _'were'_. So Karma must have survived, right? Right?! Then why was the adult's face twisted in that... that sorrowful, guilty way. And why was it so hard for me to answer? Did I fear what would come next?

"He's an idiot." out of nowhere, I choked out "He is a mischievous and lively devil, the exact type of person I hate."

Honestly I didn't know where this was going. I just felt like saying it outloud: "He likes to pull pranks, make fun of me. Sometimes I feel like throwing knives at him or smeering those smug grins off his face with a hedgehog. He annoys me to no end-" I couldn't believe I was admitting this. "And yet, it feels like the day isn't complete without him."

That should have been enough of an answer. Maybe enough to make the doctor break his news gentlier than he initially intended. Because I just coudldn't shake off that horrible feeling. And I couldn't but admit that it was very likely. I did saw my rival almost bleed to death yesterday. I did saw the pale complexion, the weakening heartbeat, the horror in the paramedics' faces. I wished it wasn't true. But almost everything - from my memories to the conversation now - indicated one thing.

 _Karma was dead._

"Asano Gakushuu-kun, right?" the man suddenly interrupted my negative flow of thoughts.

It took me a while to proccess what he said: "Yes."

"Both you and your friend were taken here at exactly 22:24, you because of a panic attack and the other boy because of his..." the last words were lost. But wanted him to finish it. I hoped he would say 'suicide attempt' because that would mean it was only an _attempt._ And attempts are bound to be unsuccessfull.

But he gulped the end, making that hope of mine blurry and uncertain, not knowing how much of anxiety it caused me.

"I still remember the time, the sight and my feelings as if it happaned just a while ago. To be honest, despite the fact that... slitted wrists are fairly common these days, this was my first time dealing with the case."

I rather stayed quiet, waiting for what would come next. But at the same time, I wanted to scream at the doctor to stop beating around the bush and tell me outright. Is he dead? Is he alive?!

"He was in a critical state and the probability of him pulling through was slim. The operation took-"

"Where is he," I asked, no longer wanting to hear the explanation. I had no patience for this. I had no time. I just needed to know it, despite the fear, despite the foreboding, I just had to find out. "Is he alive?"

The man's face was hard to read. It didn't look depressing nor cheerful, instead conflicted. I was prepared for the worst. I knew it would happen, I saw what Karma looked like. He was a mess. A bloody mess. So it was only understandable that he wouldn't be able to... pull through. It was understandable. But the feeling of choking and tears starting to build up - those I didn't understand.

"For now," the doctor finally let out.

What did he say again?

"He's alive?" my voice was raw, but somewhat full of relief. Of course I would be relieved. Damn, I was amazed I didn't let the tears fall by now.

After recieving a slight nod and a gentle smile, I couldn't help but thanks the heavens for saving that moron. Or the hell. Or maybe both heaven and hell. Or maybe they didn't want to deal with Karma's shit so he sent him back here?

"But," the man suddenly stated, his brows furrowing a bit. "I can't promise he will be tomorrow or the next day or any other day."

What?

"He lost too much of blood. It was a miracle he survived but to actually wake up, that's a different matter."

I frowned at that: "If that's the case, why didn't you carry out blood transfusion?"

The black haired male seemed surprised by my question. He probably didn't expect me to know anything about this but I have already read enough of books to understand: "If that were possible, I would have done that without hesitation."

"The problem is?"

"The problem is that we have no donor of the same blood type. That boy has a rare one, very rare - AB. And as if that weren't enough, his Rh factor is negative. The probability of Japanese or any other Asian having Rh- is 0,01%. It's hard to find that blood type." he explained, his fists clenched. It was strange to see a stranger get so worked up about somone they don't know but hey, docs were docs. They must have cared too much about everyone to become doctors. "And even though usually we could use A-, B- or 0-, this time it would become too much of a hazard."

"Take my blood," I shot out immediately without thinking, staring at the man.

But he dumbfounded: "I know you want to save your friend but you probably don't understand. In order to transfuse blood, it must be completly compati-"

"My blood type is AB-. Completly same. Now take my blood and use it." I hissed, this time so fiercely the man shut up and actually thought about it.

Of course I understood the system. Compatibility was the most important thing since wrong blood could result in death. But when I heard about Akabane's, I found the hope. Truly, it was a coincidence that only the two of us had such rare type, but at the moment, being amazed by that discovery was the last thing I had time to do.

"We need to get permission from your parents. You are still a minor after all." the doctor declared, his face delighed as well.

"Give me five minutes, please" I said and ran back to my room and searched for my phone. But I didn't have it. I just remembered slamming it before giving Karma first aid. Shit.

"If you are looking for this," out of blue, a familiar deep voice appeared behind me and made me jerk my head back. "then here you are."

The chairman threw my phone into air and I caught it without any problem. More importantly-

"What are you doing here?" I gaped, not expecting his visit at all. My father was a busy man after all. And he usually wouldn't bother to even call. But I guess that after that 'Koro-sensei' and Class E affair, he significantly changed to better.

The man shrugged: "Checking on my son, obviously." and then he put jokes aside. "And making sure the other student is alright."

"About that, father, I-!" wanting to ask about the blood-donation thing, I started but got immediately cut off.

"I heard it. Go ahead, if you believe you want to do it." my father consented, a small approving smile forming.

"Thank you," I whispered and then ran off to the doctor who was waiting outside.

Apparently I was allowed to donate only 450 ml of blood at the moment. If I wanted to give more, I would have to wait 3 or 4 more months but for now, it would have to suffice. But as long as it would assure the redhead was going to wake up again, I wouldn't mind giving a whole liter. Sure, it would make me pretty languid, but it wasn't dangerous.

And if the doctors didn't agree?

I would make them.

* * *

 **Okay, did I make you scared with that 'Karma is dead' statement? I hope so, I tried to make it dramatic O.O XD Either way, Asano is being so sweet right now and I know it's so OOC but stiiiill~~~~**

 **By the way, I don't do medicine, I don't understand this stuff and I studied it so hard just to write these things it hurt my head. So yeah, if there's anything wrong, please forgive me T.T**

 **See you in 2/3 weeks then! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Alright guys, I'm back as promised. I'm so sorry for taking so long but to be honest even now I'm trying to find something worth living for (fortunately it's not in the suicidal way XD). But I will do my best to make this story good enough for you so please bear with the slower updates (once in week now, I think).**

 **Anyway, I see you were pretty anxious and eager to see how Asano is gonna react after seeing Karma, right? Here it is! :)**

* * *

Third person's P.O.V.

 _He didn't want this._

That's what flashed through Karma's mind right when he became aware of the radiant light, which somehow found its way to his sensory perception despite the fact he was still more or less unconsciouss. But he started to realize that he was lying on a matress. And that he could feel it.

Something was wrong.

 **Dead ones can't feel.**

He had no idea how or why, but he was alive.

And he didn't want this.

The redhead stirred without even knowing about it and soon, he opened his eyes to be greeted by a snowhite ceiling. Little did he know that there was another person in the room, observing the boy the whole time. Karma was way too tired and confused to even think about looking around in search for... for what, even?

He didn't forget what he had done. No. The burning pain, the relief washing over his body and guilt occupying his mind - that was one of the few things he would never forget. The thoughts he considered to be his last, the apologies, the despair and sorrow, those could never leave him. All of them were still freshly imprinted in his memory.

So why?

Why was he still alive?

Karma was sure he hit the artery. He made sure he did. He had no chance of survival unless someone found him right after that. Which couldn't happen because lived alone and there was never any reason for someone to check on him or visit him. So he only needed ten minutes - no, even less. And everything would have ended.

Then how?!

"Akabane," as if those questions could be heard, a male voice suddenly called out. The boy on the bed glanced at the person whom he had not noticed, somewhat shocked. There sat a certain strawberry blond, his eyes tired-looking and yet fierce.

Asano has been sitting there for more than one hour already. He didn't expect the other to wake up at all so when he saw the redhead coming to, he felt nervous. What should he say? How should he act? But it took Karma too long to come back to senses. About five minutes. So when the class president couldn't bear the silence anymore, he called his rival's name.

And then tried to think of how to continue.

"How do you feel?" in the end, he blurted out.

The latter however didn't answer. He just hesitantly looked at Gakushuu, his mind blank. He did attempt to commit suicide after all. And if the first person he saw was the strawberry blond, then it must have also been him who found him. He couldn't think of any explanation for his presence any other way.

Karma didn't like being watched like this though. And he most certainly disliked seeming this vulnerable. He wanted to sit up and maybe even run away or jump from the window, who knows, but none of that happened. His limbs were too weak and his head-

"There's no point in trying. You lost lots of blood so you will be as weak as a kitten for the next week or so." the strawberry blond remarked, seeing the other's desperate endeavour to straighten up.

"Why did you save me," the teen unexpectedly whispered, his voice so broken it banished any Asano's intentions of being sarcastic.

Such a ridiculous question though. Why did he save Karma? Probably the same question like 'why humands need to breathe.' Because they just do.

"Why shouldn't I have done so?" instead of replying, another question was laid. "What were you thinking?" it came out accusing.

The redhead however didn't have any intentions of answering. His choices were his choices and he had no obligation to explain them. No matter how horrible and irresponsible, it was something he decided on his own. And the matter was just way too sensitive and personal for him to just blurt it out.

So Asano was left without response.

But there was something crushing his conscience. Suicide? Did he really try to commit suicide? Was this for real? Karma knew he was depressed. He knew he was weak, he hated himself for it and made sure to punish himself every time every way possible. But to think he would actually take his own life with a single, clean cut - he couldn't believe it. In some way, he felt happy. He was aware of that warm feeling in his chest when he recalled the liquid quickly flowing and the consciousness leaving his body. But at the same time, he realized that his mind was completly beclouded at that time. He did it in the heat of moment, without thinking it through, overlooking what death really meant - he just did it to release the pain. And now that the apathy, emptiness and hurt temporarily subdued, the weight of his actions befell on his shoulders, making him shudder in guilt and shame.

He tried to kill himself.

And Asano, the doctors and soon even his friends, his teachers and parents would know.

Maybe he would kill himself once again to run away from their reaction.

"Nevermind. I will get it out of you later," the council student president suddenly sighed with a somewhat defeated expression. "I will call the doctor to check you, you were out cold for a whole week," he announced and stood up from the chair.

It seems like Gakushuu overstimated himself too much though. The first step was alright but the second and third one was taken with the boy fighting off the darkness that suddenly invaded both his vision and mind. He felt wobbly and soon, he got so lightheaded he fell to the ground with a loud thud, not waking up for a good minute.

Karma didn't know what was happening. In a matter of seconds, the boy who just a while ago sat by his side suddenly keeled over with no apparent reason. Despite being an apathetic bastard (or so he thought), panic overwhelmed him when he saw that Asano wasn't waking up and he searched for the button which usually hung above the patients in case they neede something.

And indeed, there it was. With his feeble fingers, he grabbed that tiny thing and pressed it, a loud sound ringing in the corridors from outside. That's when he noticed the strawberry blond squeezing his eyes and slowly opening them, the look in them completly confused.

Only a bit later the doors abruptly opened, revealing a black haired man with white coat, his movements frantic in fear something has happened to his patient. He knew after all what the teen in this room did and he knew that the case could have repeated itself. So when the ringing suddenly resonated through his office, he hurried to the room A025, prepared for anything at all.

But he soon realized it wasn't Akabane that was hurt. It was his friend lying on the floor who was currently trying to sit up.

Rushing to help him, the doctor immediately knew what was the cause of the student's collapse: "Are you alright? Can you hear me?"

Asano Gakushuu slightly nodded, clutching his head in order to dispel the dizziness.

"I told you that you should have stayed in the bed for the day! You just donated second pint in just this week, moving around is plain ridiculous!" the medic scolded the strawberry blond in his arms who by now already got himself upright.

"I'm fine." he denied but his voice was way too weak to be considered valid.

"Yeah, sure, I can see that. I should get you an IV drop as well. And maybe give you a room as well, can you-"

"No, that's not necessary." the teen protested, his head now up and staring at the doctor stubbornly. „I'm alright now so there's no need. Just got a bit dizzy, that's all."

"If you don't want to get hospitalized then at least let me get you an IV drop." the doctor demanded, the look in his eyes serious. He didn't want any more students dying of blood loss after all.

Seeing that this was a fight he couldn't win, the strawberry blond nodded and let himself get helped to a nearby chair. Then the adult left for his equipment.

"Are you-" Karma couldn't help but ask despite being in a deep shit himself. But he had no idea what happened. And it was now that he noticed how pale Asano was.

The one in question maintained his usual strong stare: "If you are asking whether I'm sick or dying, then no. I'm not. But I did donate the second pint of blood a while ago in only one week to save your sorry ass." he said but the usual sharpness of his was nowhere to be found this time: "So don't you dare waste it." his gaze shifted to the bandaged wrist. After a long pause, the boy clutched his head with gritted teeth: "I guess I will be weak as a kitten for a week as well."

The redhead was genuinely confused. First of all, how could Asano convince to give two pints in one week? Each blood donation is maximalized to one pint per a healthy person and it is a rule to always wait three to four months before doing so again. Then how? There were more questions in the boy's mind but he started out with a different but the most important one:

"Why did you-?"

He got an irritated growl: "Because apparently, they have no other donor of the same blood type."

Karma meant it in a different way but for now, he just got satisfied with this answer. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to disappear. As if the feelings of being useless and alone weren't enough, now he was getting hunted down for his action. He was going to be ridiculed or yelled at by the student council president, by the doctors and then he would be integrated, locked into a mental hospital or something.

He hoped he died.

Looking around, he searched for other ways. There was nothing sharp by his side. At this moment. But this was the second storey and the windows were open - it wouldn't kill him but he could escape. He had blankets which could be torn and then used as a rope to hang himself. He could maybe even find some pills. Or plastic bags to suffocate. Maybe he could just pretend to go to the toilet while running off to the rooftop and then jumping do-

"Don't even think about it," suddenly, his wild imagination got banished.

Gakushuu couldn't hear any of it of course. But he could tell from the absent expression and from the atmosphere that Karma was having bad intentions. And he didn't sacrifice his blood just to have the moron here kill himself again.

The problem was, he didn't know what to do. He could try to ask and shit but it was highly unlikely he would get anything out of the other. They weren't such good friends. Nor were they understanding enough to listen to each other. And yet, the strawberry blond tried:

"Akabane," he muttered, the hesitance apparent in his tone. "did something... happen?"

Surprised as he was, the redhead's indifferent expression didn't change.

"Wrong question." Asano messied his hair in frustration, completly clueless as to how to approach the boy in bed. "You know what, I'm not good at sugar coating things nor at being gentle. So I will be straightforward. Why did you try to kill yourself?"

The look Karma received terrified him. Such honest and determined eyes. Ready to destroy, to search and find anything they wanted to have. An answer. An explanation. And then, all the colours in those amethyst orbs - confusion, anger, tiny bit of fear and pity, sorrow, fatigue - how could the strawberry blond feel them all? Why was he capable of displaying them in one stare, in one second? One part of Karma dreaded what they were capabale of - as if they could stare right into his soul and dig out his darkest thoughts. But more than that, it broke him - knowing, that he could never be like this. If not for the fact that he never let his true emotions show, then because of the plain realisation that he could not feel. Not anymore. Maybe that's why he started cutting in the first place.

But now, he hurt.

And he was scared.

"Karma-" the strawberry blond urged him but got cut off when the doors opened with the doctor from before calling him.

"Asano-kun, the IV is ready. Please come with me."

He obviously did not know of the conversation going on between the two teens but the redhead was so thankful to the man for giving him an opening, a small room to learn how to breathe again, to sort out his thoughts. Or to just activate the defense mode - if that were needed.

The student council president didn't look happy at all at the intrusion. He needed to dig the matter out and do something about it because this was serious, Karma was serious and oh god, his head was spinning. Even in his worst nightmares would he not think of Akabane doing something as... stupid, desperate and horrifying as this. He was supposed to be the stubborn fucktard who wouldn't die even after getting killed.

Gakushuu sent the boy in bed a look. It didn't last a second and yet it was enough to interpret that no matter how determined he was to find out, the other wasn't going to speak. Not now. Maybe he was pressuring the former E-class student too early. Maybe he should give him time to calm down and fully grasp the situation.

But giving him time to calm down could at the same time mean giving him time to finish what he had started.

Really, he was too lightheaded for this. Losing blood was no fun. And having to argue with the even more deathly-pale-than-him idiot here was the last thing he wanted. Therefore, shoving away the ugly thoughts and promising himself that soon he would ask again and again - for as long until he spits it out, he sighed and nodded at the doctor with a small 'alright.'

He heard the weak exhale of relief escaping the patient. Turning at him, he did his best to remain fierce and authoritative: "I will get the truth out of you and make you snap out of this, Akabane." then the boy's voice cracked a little and he glued my eyes to the ground: "I just want to help you."

And then, he went out of the room, closing the doors. The boy glared into the doctor's eyes and slowly, firmly said- or rather ordered: "Don't leave him unsupervised."

Because he knew what could happen.

If not another suicide attempt, then at least self harm.

He himself had some experience after all.

"Under no circumenstances." this came out as a plea, no matter how much Asano hated to admit it.

And the black haired man nodded, understanding.

It was then that Gakushuu gave up the fight for consciousness, helplessly falling into the much appreciated void.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello everyone, I am very sorry for not updating for such a long time. I have had problems which prevented me from thinking or doing of anything else. I really am sorry and promise to do my best to keep up. Just know that I love you guys and appreciate your support :)**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

Karma's P.O.V.

"Speak with me,"

The strawberry head was intently watching me, waiting for a reply.

I had nothing to say.

"You won't be discharged any sooner than next week, I have a lot of time to get you talking until then."

He hasn't moved his gaze in the last ten minutes. It was creepy. And scary. Being watched and given attention to was scary.

"And even after that, I doubt they will let you loose. Most likely psychiatric hospital. Best case scenerio - if they have a reason good enough - you will only have to go to a psychologist. But I doubt you would like either of that."

After all the time, I was still motionlessly sitting with my gaze fixed on my bandaged wrist. Usually, everything would feel hollow and meaningless, but with Asano-kun, who found me bleeding to death about a week ago present, I didn't seem to be able to calm down. My mind was racing, thinking - about what, I didn't even know, maybe just trying to calm down, anything but to face him.

There was the strong urge to rip those bandages off and reopen the cuts, to inflict more harm.

"Akabane,"

I stiffened.

"Akabane,"

My head was kept low.

"Karma,"

No answer. There was absolutely nothing I could trust myself to say without breaking down.

I hoped the other would get tired and finally leave, but the class president was extremely persistent. He sighed, rubbing his eyes and taking out something from his school bag: "I'm not leaving until you say something. Anything at all. If you need time, okay, fine, I get it. But once you are ready, I need you to cooperate, for your own sake."

It was so strange hearing him say such... not-poisonous words. I wondered where it came from and why he bothered with me.

Asano-kun put some books on the small desk next to my bed and stated: "Now then, if you excuse me, I shall take care of some things. I doubt you want to see the notes or study, considering your current state so just... rest, I guess."

And with that, the conversation (well, not really since he was the only one talking) died. Indeed, he only sat there and did his homework, read through his notes and books. In five minutes, guy was so immersed in the studies he didn't pay me any attention. It was then that I finally mustered enough courage to look up or move at all.

I leaned on the pillow popped up under my back and closed my eyes, trying to get some peace. And yet, no such thing came.

 _What now?_ the question kept bugging me. _What happens now?_

As the strawberry blonde said a while ago, I will most likely put into some mental hospital or something. I will be treated like a brittle, fragile porcelain doll, about to crumble. They will look at me with those pityful eyes or disdainful gazes.

I didn't want that. It felt disgusting.

For god's sake, _I_ felt disgusting. I tried to kill myself. I wanted to end this all. To be free. And I almost, _almost_ succeeded. Honestly, I had no idea whether I was angry or happy about that. Maybe both. Maybe neither. What I do know, however is, that if I have died that time, I wouldn't have to think about all this now.

And yet, here I was.

In a hospital.

With slitted wrists exposed to the world.

Had Koro-sensei or Nagisa-kun known about them, they would have surely made me stop long ago. Somehow. But I was weak, I was proud, I was scared. So I hid the pain behind smiles, mischeivous pranks and jokes. I hid the scars, promising myself that these would be the last and yet not even a two days later cutting again.

Truly, revolting.

I opened my eyes again, knowing that staying in the darkness of my mind would do no good. Naively, I thought that if I saw the world outside, if I tried to look at it in a different light, with more optimism and effort, the pain would go away. Somehow. Anyhow. But now, there was nothing but white walls greeting me, a white bed and white sheets, this colourless and ugly, empty space. Sans life, sans anything at all, that would breathe joy into my life.

Or so I thought. There was something completely out of place, one colour that did not belong to this tedious story of mine. Noticing the fact, I glanced at it and realized that the source of this disruptance was the strawberry blonde and strong amethyst eyes which were at the moment occuppied with the task at hand.

I didn't get it.

What was he trying to do by keeping me accompanied? Or more importantly - why would _he_ of all people care?

It didn't make sense. Nothing ever did. But this one, this one bothered me too much.

Asano-kun has never been the caring one, at least not genuinely. He always liked to seem so perfect and kind to others but once it came to me, he let it clearly show that he was annoyed and most surely wishing for my death. And yet, he saved me. And now he was staying here, all the time, every day since I woke up, trying to speak with me, encouraging me to talk, to explain what happened. I had no idea how to react to that.

For the hundreth time - I was afraid.

Because once I opened this damned mouth, I wouldn't be able to stop.

I knew that. And I didn't want it to happen.

Still, why couldn't I get my eyes off the student? Why couldn't I control my trembling lips, tame those wild thoughts, the sudden and irrational longing of confiding to someone? There was no way I would let the mask slip, not after all those years of building it... right?

Oh, who was I kidding?

The mask has slipped long ago.

"Why," I choked out with a rasped voice, feeling the hot tears running down my face.

The other shot his head up in a matter of miliseconds, his eyes wide in shock and expectation. But shortly after, perhaps after noticing my crying, they got a glint of guilt, softening. He stayed silent and the only thing that resounded in this whole room were my increasing sobs and desperate attempts to stop.

He finally seemed to realize that I couldn't and wouln't say anything more and slowly walked towards me, shamelessly giving me a firm embrace. My tears stained his shirt but he didn't mind. I was shaking so violently and yet he managed to hold me perfectly still. And despite the fact that I would usually only hear my own hateful remarks about showing weakness, it was now his calm and accepting voice that took over.

That and the gentle pats on my back.

"It's alright, let it out," he said, along with many other comforting words.

The strange thing is - they worked. It felt so beautiful to cry my heart out, to get a warm and strong hug, to think that I wouldn't be judged. I wept more and more, not being able to control myself. It was as if the dam that repressed all my emotions over the years has cracked now. And maybe it did.

 _I don't know what to do_ , I tried to say but it got muffled, full of shaky gasps of air.

 _It hurts to be alive,_ I didn't stop talking. Not that it was comprehendable though, or at least I thought so since I constantly hiccupped and wailed, deforming the words.

And I kept on speaking, confessing how worthless and unwanted I felt, lost without friends, lost without anyone to guide me, lost in this dark, dark world. I said all the things that suffocated me until then, the fears and worries, all the things that made me become this broken of a wreck. I didn't care anymore. I needed to spit it out, get rid of it. It didn't matter that I was supposed to be strong anymore, nor the fact that the one listening was none other than my rival.

I didn't care anymore.

I just wanted to be fine again.


	6. Chapter 6

**HELLOOOO! UPDATE UPDATE MY DEAR READERS!**

 **As is now usual (sorry), I'm late. But I did my best and I hope you will like it :) Please be patient, life gets very annoying at times. Or all the time. You know that feeling, no?**

 ***btw someone said that it takes 5 minutes to bleed out if you cut your artery - I am no doctor, but I found that it takes about 10 minutes? Well, let's just be glad Karma survived XDD**

 **COZ THE NEXT TIME HE WON'T HAHAHAHAHAH**

 **ups.**

* * *

Third Person's P.O.V.

Karma was supposed to stay in the hospital for at least five more days, that he knew. He also knew that - being labeled as mentaly unstable - or suicidal for that matter, he was to be put into a mental institute on a suicide watch. And yet there he stood, back in Kunigigaoka, in front of one of the bigger rooms in the dorms with a certain strawberry head behind him.

"Are you going or not?" Asano asked, no bite in his tone. He was holding a bag with Karma's belongings in one hand, his own's in the other.

The redhead said nothing, only entering and taking in the interior. The room was about twice as big as his old one, there was also a small spot for cooking and of course, the bathroom. On the left side was a blue bed, on the right near the window another, both neatly made and seemingly new.

As for why exactly Karma was moving into the new, bigger room with the student council president - he himself wasn't that sure. Two days ago, Asano just suddenly came, and declared two options: either the boy would stay longer in this hospital and then be put into proffesionals' care (mental hospital) for uknown time, _or_ he was allowed to leave sooner, having to (obediently - but that, Asano didn't say outloud) live in the dorms together with Gakushuu and no one would find out about the redhead's suicide attempt. Obviously Karma realized that his fellow classmate intended to keep an eye on him, but logically, this was the only possible choice he could make. Though he did wonder how the strawberry blonde managed to 1/ persuade the hospital to release him, 2/ demand his not being put into the doctors' hands, and 3/ make the new chairman pair them up for the dormitory room in the middle of the school year.

When he mentioned that, the only response he got was a snort, arrogant look, and the words: "I'm Gakushuu Asano, what would you expect?"

Most certaintly not kindness or any display of feelings.

Well, anyway, here they were.

"Which bed do you want? I don't really care," the strawberry blond said as he put down the bags and opened the only window. He muttered something about there not being enough of fresh air and then returned to the redhead, still waiting for an answer.

However, the everlasting silence was persistent.

"What, not talking? Where did all the sarcasm go? Not that I complain," Asano tried out again with lots of mockery in his voice, making an extremely smug face.

It was only when Karma didn't react even to such provocation did he understand that this was not an issue solvable that easily. Well, of course he was aware of how serious this was, but he let himself hope that the pride and love for mischeif would make the redhead recover quicker.

"You know I was lying," the student president added calmly, trying to look into the golden eyes of his classmate. He did not succeed as those were still glued to the floor. Gakushuu sighed, deciding not to put any more pressure on him.

"Well, anyway, I'm taking this one then. Unless you have any objections," he nodded towards the bed on the right.

The bags he was holding just a while ago were now on the floor, the students had enough of time to sort their belongings later. It was only sunday morning after all, something after nine a.m. so there wasn't much to worry about. (Just kidding, Asano had a lot to do.) But still, at this moment, the most important thing was to somehow get through to Karma, or this co-living thing would be pointless.

"You know what, come here. We need to set some rules if we live together."

And with that, he pulled the redhead's sleeve, intending to drag him somewhere to sit and... chat.

However, he was promtly stopped when Karma broke away from the hold, a very sharp look in his eyes:

"No."

Gakushuu would smile at the fact that his classmate finally spoke up, but the annoyance from being defied was greater: "What?"

"If your rules consist of _stop being depressed, don't cut_ or _obey me,_ then no," he explained, protectively tugging the end of his jacket to cover the white bandages around his wrists. That of course did not escape the other's gaze.

Asano was quite surprised by those words though. He raised an eyebrow at first but then his expression flattened and returned to neutral, his initial anger subsiding.

"And if they don't?" he plainly asked, which confused the former E-class student.

"What if they don't consist of any of that?" Gakushuu repeated, this time more adamant. "Because I'm not going to say that bullcrap. I know it doesn't work and it's not like I want to waste my breath with all the empty words."

The strawberry blonde felt satifsaction build inside his chest at the sight of Karma actually _listening_ , somewhat stunned. He decided that sitting down was not really that important and carried on his speech.

"I wanted to - however - say, that the only reason I got you out of the hospital was because I suspected being locked up would do you no better. Other than that, I wanted to believe you didn't really want to end your life," he said the last part a bit more hesitantly, though still clearly enough to be heard.

"Be honest. Did you do it with a clear head?"

Gakushuu has been trying to observe Akabane's body language for some time now. It wasn't hard to guess that he was feeling uncomfortable and maybe afraid, but hell what would it even be for? He didn't need to be an expert to notice the frequent shifting from one leg to another, or to see how he always pulled his sleeves to hide the bandage. But what could he with that knowledge? Nothing at all. There was absolutely nothing he could do and it infuriated him.

Finally, Karma admitted: "No."

And the student council president couldn't help but feel so much relieved: "Good," he let out the breath he didn't even realize he was holding. "Good... Thanks god,"

"What," the other snapped.

"No, it's just... I can still help you."

"You and help," Karma snorted in a strange, un-mocking way, which made the situation even more concerning than it already was. "What do I owe for such an act of generousity from the all mighty, perfect Asano-kun?"

"Why is it so hard to believe I'm trying to help?" Asano sent him a glare.

"I see no profit in it for you to be doing it."

Okay, that actually hurt. Why does it always have to be about profit? (Alright, he had a history, but still).

"I want to help you because I understand," he explained as seriously as he could. But it was obvious that his classmate was nowhere near believing that.

"No, you don't," the redhead rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I do,"

"No, you don't, mister Loved-by-all, admired-by-all, accepted-by-all. You really do not understand. You must be thinking I'm crackbrained and pathetic to be cutting myself, don't you?!"

Karma spat that in one breath, feeling all his frustration getting out. It was hard to stop by now and it's not like he could have stayed silent any longer. All this sweet talking and the careful behaviour Asano displayed was making him feel even more ashamed and hateful towards himself, than he already was.

Yet the strawberry blonde seemed absolutely unfazed by those words. He actually seemed prepared to hear them. To some extend, it was reassuring. And also scary.

"Karma, do you really think I'm that flawless?" He finally said after a long pause.

"Oh and _aren't_ you?"

"No, I'm not."

The redhead expected the student council president to be as arrogant and smug as ever so when he heard this answer, he was taken aback. He already wanted to retort back some sarcastic remark but got promptly stopped by the next confesssion.

"I used to be like you too, you know?"

This was starting to creep Karma out.

"What are you talking about," he carefully asked, not sure whether he wanted to hear it

Asano's tongue didn't want to work properly. He didn't mean to say this. He didn't want and wasn't even ready to do this. But his stupid mouth just couldn't stop. And hearing Karma's words encouraged him to blurt it out.

The thing is, he knew how horrible it is to think you were all alone and different. It was painful to believe no one did and could ever understand your feelings and your fears. Or that you were 'weird' one. The 'broken' one. But that was not the truth. To a certain point, we all feel like this. And even if we couldn't completely comprehend it, at least we could show that they are not alone and that it is alright to ask for help.

That's why he decided to continue.

"I never thought I was enough, even if I was the best in the school, even if I won all the competitions, it was never enough to be acknowledged by my father. I thought I was not worth of being loved, that I was unwanted,"

It was strange to say it outloud.

" _'Friends'_ were never people whom I could rely on, or whom I could trust. I had to win them through my achievements and even then, the friendship was based on nothing but the fact that I was the ruler and they were the ones who obeyed. I felt isolated and different. And I was... desperate,"

And even though he has always been told to be strong,

"I believed I was doing everything wrong and that I was not good enough to have a normal life."

"You are lying," Karma tried to stop the boy but it was obvious he himself knew that Gakushuu wasn't lying.

"Every day, I wondered why I didn't feel happy when I was smiling, or why I never could say things I wanted to despite my so called _silver tongue_. And just by thinking of that made me feel stupid and sentimental."

Asano took a deep breath and gave the redhead a gentle yet guilty look: "You say you are 'crackbrained' and 'pathetic' for cutting and for being depressed? Then that makes me 'crackbrained' and 'pathetic' as well then?"

The redhead was too shocked to even say anything. He stared at the fellow boy, trying to process what he just said. That Asano? That brilliant, perfect Asano Gakushuu just said that he felt depressed? That he knew what cutting felt like? That he-

"Did you... try to-" _kill yourself?_

"No," the strawberry blonde answered, though hesitantly, "but I thought about it."

No matter how much Karma wanted to reject that idea, to say that all of those were lies, he couldn't. Because it wasn't a lie. Nothing. Not even a word. And while he scared by that fact, he suddenly felt relieved.

"And you managed to hide the from your father? That all-knowing monster?"

"Do you really think I could?"

His eyes widened in realization.

"He found out a month after I started with selfharm. He didn't say a thing, just gave me a disdainful and disapproving look. I bet he was too disappointed to even care anymore."

The memory was still stuck in his head. The morning Gakushuu forgot to lock the bathroom and the chairman suddenly came in at the exact time his son had a razor already cutting through the skin and painting it red. The horror he felt the moment it dawned on him that he was found out. The shame and yet the hope that maybe- _maybe_ his father would realize how empty and horrible Gakushu felt. Maybe he would demand that Gakushuu stopped, maybe he would hold him in the arms and ask for forgiveness. Or be angry at him, lecture him, anything - any reaction, any feeling, any proof that he cared.

Yet the only thing he got was a frown and the word _disgusting._

After hearing that, he cut even more. Every day. Every freaking moment he could. His life felt meaningless and he thought- no one cares anyway. So why try any longer? Why not just give up?

But he couldn't. He was angry at his father for being so coldhearted and if he really did kill himself, it would feel like he lost against the chairman. And if one thing was for sure, it was that he wouldn't be able to bear losing against a man he despised so much.

He told Karma that story, somehow, in a brief version. He got a nasty remark about the chairman from the redhead, which made him chuckle.

And to conclude, he added: "That's how I realized that this lead nowhere and immediately stopped."

Which didn't seem like the smartest thing to say. Karma stiffened out of sudden, his face twisting into a strange grimase: "Are you trying to brag?"

"No, I'm just saying that I could stop."

"Because you are stronger than me?" his voice was becoming more and more dangerous.

"No, because unlike you who had no one, I had a monster to slay."

Once again, the so very hated silence took over.

"But that isn't really truth, is it? I saw you with that E class of yours and- what was his name again? Koro-sensei. You seemed genuinely happy with them," Asano allowed himself to grin a bit.

"Shut up."

He took that as a cue to stop.

Yet he knew that the whole atmosphere has improved significantly. Karma was no longer distancing himself, he spoke, he showed emotions. And that was good.

That was great.

He could do this.

They could do this.

"What about we become friends?" The strawberry blonde suggested, a hand reached out in a welcoming manner.

The other glanced at him, puzzled, and then at the hand.

"I mean, I don't have anyone to trust anyway and you wouldn't mind having a friend at this time either, would you?"

Karma took that hand waiting for him, squeezing it: "You will keep my secret and I will keep yours. Deal?"

Satisfied, Asano smiled: "Deal."

And he really believed that they would pull through.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello my dear readers! :) Thank you all for the reviews, follows and favourites, I just can't help but feel so happy and satisfied knowing that you like it T.T**

 **I know many of you are anxious about the updates but I assure you - SO AM I! Sorry. You know that I haven't really been good with updating lately but I really am trying to write as much as possible. I swear. So please, please, be patient. Thank you ❤️**

 **Anyway... you guys thought Karma would get better?**

 **AHAHAHAHAHAHA.**

 **No.**

* * *

He didn't last that long.

It was something past midnight, only two days after his early release from the hospital.

Yet time seemed to have stopped to Karma.

He was lying on the bed, unable to sleep, unable to breathe, because he was drowning under all the things he suddenly felt. Shame, fear, disappointment, despair. All at once. All pouring down on him, leaving no place for any rational thinking. It was just so unbearable to even exist, to know that he was alive and yet not alive at all.

He glanced at the clock. Two a.m.

So he has been lying here for three hours already. Trying to fall asleep, to at least achieve this temporary peace. But his head didn't let him. It just couldn't fight off the stream of suicidal, destructive thoughts. They whispered what a failure he was. Unwanted. Abandoned. Pathetic. Their words were poisonous and hurtful and the worst thing? He believed them all.

Karma really did feel like suffocating.

This was too much.

He wanted to cry but couldn't.

He wanted to do something... but what?

 _Oh, but you know the answer to that._

Of course he did.

He wanted to hurt.

To cut.

He craved it.

He replayed it all in his head, the cold metal on his skin, the sudden sharp pain that erupted once he put enough pressure on the blade and the relief that came as his blood gushed down the wound. And how he would then cut again. And again. And again, again and again until all left of him was a bloody mess, euphoric and lightheaded mess. But that didn't matter. He felt happy injuring himself. It helped him cope. It helped him forget.

It was beautiful.

Though in the back of his mind, he knew this couldn't go on.

But did he care?

At this _very_ moment?

 _No_

Karma wanted to cut right now. His despair was taking over and he looked for any way at all to do so.

Unfortunately, he was not alone. Asano Gakushuu, the student council president who had declared he wanted to help, was currently sleeping only four meters away from him. But the redhead didn't stop thinking.

They had their own bathroom, with no lock however. Still, there was a small cabinet with hygienic tools, which also included a small razor for shaving. They had a kitchen and drawers with a few knives.

For some reason, none of those were confiscated or hidden. Maybe Asano forgot. Or maybe he was naive enough to believe Karma wouldn't think of hurting himself again.

Either way, he was very glad for that.

The redhead carefully sat up, absolutely determined to do this. He needed to. There was no other way he would be able to survive this night without seeing his blood being shed. Glancing at the strawberry blonde, he made sure to walk quietly so that he wouldn't wake him up.

His steps were light and slow, but every once and then Asano stirred and Karma froze in fear of being found out. Finally he managed to get to the bathroom. By then, his body was acting on its own, as if having been hypnotized and he reached out for the handle, openning the door.

Which slightly screetched.

That's when his hear skipped a beat.

"Akabane?" a sleepy, raw voice called from behind. It was then that Karma awoke from his trance and he almost forgot to breathe.

"What are you doing," Asano was sitting up, rubbing his eyes and trying to focus on the frozen figure in front. "Karma?"

"I just need to use the restroom," he answered a bit too quickly but damn, his heart was beating erratically and judging from the upcoming dizziness, his breathing was no good either.

The strawberry blonde seemed to notice that his roomate wasn't acting natural. He frowned a little bit, which Karma couldn't see, and stood up, making his way to the latter.

"Are you alright?" he asked and it's more like a formality than anything because they both known that no, he is not alright.

Despite that, the boy lied: "Yeah," and he managed a weak smile, looking into the student council president's face for the first time. Which most surely could not have been a good idea. Because Gakushuu wasn't stupid.

He was aware of the fact this would happen and he was prepared for it. Sighing, the boy went past Karma straight towards the bathroom cabinet and took out the small box where the shaving razor was kept. Needless to say the redhead saw that as well, colour draining from his face.

"Is this what you were looking for?" Gakushuu asked, his face void of emotion.

The latter refused to answer.

Yet Asano still waited.

He didn't really hope for any sort of a reply but at this very moment, he needed Karma to at least listen.

"I guess you thought I forgot about those," he started again, his voice gentle. "I did not,"

"Then why did you leave them there," the redhead finally muttered, his voice accusing.

"Because I saw no point in hiding them. If I did, you could go and take a kitchen knife. If I tried to hide both the razors and the kitchen knives, you could use keys. You could break a dish or a mirror and use the shards. If you were desperate, a pen would do. Or scissors. You could try to burn yourself. In the end, the result would be same. I know. I tried,"

Once again, he was met with silence.

Sighing, Asano put the box back into its place and with a small tug lead Karma back to his bed, sitting down. The deliquent's willingness was both a relief and at the same time worrying, as it meant absolute resignation.

"What's important is not what I do to stop you, but what _you_ do to stop yourself. Obviously it's impossible to immediately make you forget about self harm or to get your mind off suicide. But I just want you to limit it. We can do that, no?"

He attempted an encouraging smile but Akabane didn't dare look up. He fixed his eyes on the ground, knowing that this was the last thing keeping his tears from falling.

It was hard.

It was frustrating.

He hurt so much and he needed a way to get his mind off this suffering.

It tempted him so much. To once again have the blade run through his skin. To be taken by the nothingness.

 _To die._

He wanted to die so bad.

"Seems like you still haven't fully comprehended why I live with you now. So let me tell you: I'm here to make you realize that you don't have to fight this alone. You don't need to say anything, just let me anyhow know and I will try to help as much as possible. But the real battle you will have to fight yourself."

Karma still hasn't moved his gaze from the ground yet the ugly droplets have started to fall.

Useless, wasn't it?

Thinking that he could keep supressing all this inside.

He couldn't.

And he realized that as he broke down into a ball of mess, unable to stop crying. Gakushuu wasn't the type to openly show affection yet he did not think twice about pulling the redhead into a hug. There was no need to say anything. Just be there and hold Karma together while his whole being was crumbling.

* * *

Asano's P.O.V.

Akabane had stamina.

He managed to cry for at least half an hour, though in the last ten minutes it reduced to weak sobs and silent streams. My whole left shoulder was wet by the way.

Though that was the last thing I cared about.

For a while, I thought the redhead has fallen asleep, but that wasn't the case. He was simply tired, leaving his head on me and I couldn't bring myself to cease drawing circles on his upper back and neck in a comforting manner.

"Sorry," he managed to get out, though his voice was raspy and vulnerable.

"It's fine, not my favourite shirt to be honest," I tried to joke and when I heard the weak, though amused snort from the redhead, I couldn't help but smile.

"Do you want to lie down?" I whispered after a while of silence and recieved a nod.

So I carefully laid him down on the bed, not really surprised by how limp he was. Akabane's eyes were glassy and exhausted. Not only from the crying.

I covered him with a blanket, unable to help myself from wiping the remaining water from his eyes. For some reason, seeing Karma like this hurt me more than I thought was possible. And although it was more than three a.m. already, just leaving him like that all alone didn't even occure to me.

"Go sleep, I'll stay here so don't worry,"

The redhead didn't seem to even care about his pride anymore - he only nodded with a small "thank you".

This whole session was going to make the teen look and feel quite pitiful tomorrow. I could already imagine the puffy eyes (which by the way always looked funny but it wasn't appropriate to laugh) and the headache from having been dehydrated from all the-

Oh yeah.

He was dehydrated and the doctors said that should not happen.

"Wait, Karma, before you sleep, drink some water," I stood up and headed towards the kitchen, taking a cup and filling it with water.

The redhead sat up, supporting himself with a shaking hand and tried to hold the cup in the second one. It didn't work out that well and I ended up holding it for him. After that he snuggled himself into the covers, which somehow and for some weird reason reminded me of a coton ball.

"Hey Asano," he suddenly called out and I turned around to have two golden orbs glued to me.

"Yes?"

He broke the eye contact as he struggled to say whatever it was that he intended to. I patiently waited, sitting right by his side.

"Can I really... do this?" he murmured, fists clenched.

This made me stop for a while.

"Depends on how much you try,"

Sure, not the most reassuring thing to say but he wanted an honest answer and I was going to give him one. No point in sugar coating the matter.

"But I will make sure you try hard enough. So hang on. We will pull through," I patted his back in reassurance. "Even I am still struggling, trust me. But one day we are both going to find something worth living for. So just keep on living,"

Akabane made an unconvinced sound, closing his eyes.

"Something worth living for, huh?" he suddenly repeated, "For example?"

"Others might think of their future job. Or family. Someone they love. An activity they enjoy. For me personally, and for now, it's only the smallest things. The taste of chocolate for example. The fact that my favourite book is about to get published in two months. Or how much I like the rivality between you and me," the last one made me smile, despite the fact that I just said something extremely cheesy and creepy.

Of course, even in his miserable state, the deliquent didn't failt to _at least_ snort in that particular way which made me want to strange him.

"My point is... I'm doing my best. Sometimes it's hard and I feel like drowning, but I try to fight it. Even though my defense only consists of sweets and books, it still at least _exists_."

The boy chose not to comment on that statement of mine, though I could see the corners of his lips curving up. To my delight, he in the end managed to even crack a joke:

"Okay, so my first reason to keep on living might be the back rubs you are giving me," he chuckled, burying his face into the pillow. "They are really comfortable,"

"You little-" I rolled my eyes, trying to sound mad but failing. "Fine, I will spoil you."

And Akabane lied on his stomach, head facing away from me and back all exposed so that I could resume drawing circles on it. Of course I did, but I made sure to make him hear every of my overly dramatic sighs.

Though frankly... if rubbing his back and playing with his hair was a way to have him stay here, with me, then I'd gladly do it every day.

I wondered why I felt so happy.

* * *

 **AYEE SWEET END! Just a question, folks! Should I make this romance or keep it at friendship? Write your opinion in review and I will choose depending oh how many votes which option gets :)**

 **Bye bye~**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello my dear readers! :) I'm back, this time with a pretty looooooong chapter XD**

 **I read your reviews and honestly, all your feedbacks kind of... left me... BAM. You know? Like- PYUUUU TAKE THAT LOVE! TAKE IT! CHOKE ON IT! :D I'm trying to say that I really really appreciate your reviews and feel extremely happy T.T**

 **About the friendship x romance battle... we'll see XDD Isn't it better when you guys don't know about anything in advance? I know I'm evil.**

 **Oh and about some of your questions/remarks:**

 **Flover24 - I'm not sure about anyone from the former class E appearing later on. I think this fic is going to be finished in a few chapters (I repeat, it was supposed to be a _one shot XDD)_ and bringing in any more characters would make things complicated. Sorry :/**

 **Winged-Kitsune2 -** **First of all, I'm very sorry for the inaccuracy, I was searching for this on the internet and yeah, probably didn't understand it well enough. Secondly,** **thank you for telling me O.O! I have never really understood the way it worked tbh**

 **Well then! ENJOYYYY :3**

* * *

Third person's P.O.V.

"Do you feel up to eating breakfast?" Asano asked his roomate who was still lying in his bed, somewhere between sleep and consciousness.

"Nhh," he let out a strange noise, which the latter interpreted as a "no".

Akabane couldn't be blamed though - It was seven a.m. at the moment after all, early, dready seven a.m. Yet the strawberry blonde - just as always - has been awake for the past fourty five minutes, taking care of his morning routine, preparing breakfast and lunch, checking his homework and all the stuff he was supposed to do that day. Although it ensured him a day with almost no errors in his part, it only meant depriving himself of the much needed sleep.

Asano Gakushuu has been working on 4 hours of sleep for the last three days.

And he felt dead.

However, that didn't mean he minded because often, he the reason for his staying awake for so long was talking to his new friend. And the talks he had with him were the only ones he ever had when he didn't have to watch his language, watch his attitude, be careful about what the other one thinks.

Here, in this room, they were Gakushuu and Karma, one broken just as much as the other.

Indeed, ever since _that_ late night incident a few days ago, talking and trusting each other became easier, even if it was only a bit.

But that was fine.

It was enough.

Very often, the redhead felt under the weather, lying motionlessly for minutes, hours, unable to move or to find any will to. He would feel his eyes burning, from insomnia, from the uncried tears, but when Asano could, he would try to speak with him. And if speaking didn't help, he was just there. Letting him know that he's not alone.

And of course, giving him the back rubs.

He sacrificed a lot of time for his classmate. During the day, school, student council president responsibilities, sports, instrument lessons and extra teaching filled up his whole schedule. In the evening, he had tons of homework, additional projects and practices. Yet he always found time to care for the other boy.

Karma, of course, was aware of that. And he felt guilty for being such a burden.

"Just in case you think otherwise, _I_ am the one who chose to stay with you. You didn't force nor did you even wish for me to give you a helping hand. But I did. So shut up and take it," he said once with cold eyes - cold like ice, but inside so warm and kind - when the redhead showed a sign of guilt.

"But if you want to help out a bit, I have a suggestion," he continued with a sly glimpse in his eyes.

"What suggestion?" the latter gave him a suspicious look.

"Return to school. I can check on you there and you will get your very much needed education,"

And indeed, it was a good idea. A briliant one, Asano believed, as human contact would distract Karma, maybe even let him have some fun. Maybe they would get back to the rivals, neck in neck in the exams. They boy might hopefully once again be able to sleep - ok, it would be during the lessons, but whatever.

On the other hand, to the redhead, it sounded like stepping into the big dangerous world completely naked and exposed. He used to be brave and carefree. He never gave fucks about what people thought. That was before he started finding solace in the bloody cuts he painted on his skin every night. Before he went far enough to actually try to take his life.

Going out now left him vulnerable.

He was scared to return after such a long time.

He was scared of the questions, of the looks, of the hurtful words.

The boy did try to comply. He wanted to move on and get better. Drowning in one's misery was not the best way to do that, obviously. So he told himself for days that "tomorrow, I will go".

Of course he didn't.

No matter how many times he imagined the casual day at school, the pranks he could do, all the teachers he could piss off - it didn't work. There was a monster lurking inside of his head, threatening to break loose, to let everyone see what a mess he actually is.

Today was no exception.

Seven fourty and he's still wrapped in the blanket torn between rationality and feelings.

"You going?" Asano asked - and it was for the eigth day in row - still hopefully glancing back before leaving their room.

And just as the previous days, he got a sad, small headshake from under the bed sheets.

There was nothing he could do about that now, he knew, but it troubled him. Leaving the redhead alone for such a long time meant nothing good and there was no way Asano could be getting home before seven today.

"Akabane, let's go. Just try it. Just one period, that's all I'm asking for," he almost sounds desperate.

He is.

"I'm sorry," is the only reply he gets and it is obvious that the conversation ends there.

"Alright," he sighs and glances back for the last time before he leaves for his first lesson.

Karma closes his eyes wonders whether there's any point.

* * *

When he wakes up, it's something after ten a.m. He's hungry and even more exhausted than he should be. It's from the excessive sleeping and lack of fresh air and activity, he knows, but it's not like there's anything in him alive enough to try and do something about it.

There is nothing _inside_ him that would make him go and eat something, but _outside_ \- that was a whole new story. Asano thought about everything. He anticipated the redhead's lethargy and that he would neglect his needs, so lunches were always prepared and there was always something edible in the fridge.

Also, as the demon king himself has said: _If you don't eat what you were given, Akabane, I'm forcing it down your throat for all I care._

And the latter decided not to test how true that statement was.

He stood up and headed to the small table and took an apple lying there. That would do for now.

Although the student council president mentioned Karma is lacking his "needing education", the boy surely wasn't that far behind the lessons. He didn't go to class but that didn't mean he didn't study. After all, what was there for him to do all the time? Play games? That bored him out in a while. Going out was a pain. Finding a hobby was a pain. Everything was a pain.

Being smarter than Asano wasn't a pain.

Being smarter than the genius was cool.

For some reason, after all the shit that has happened, he still cared about that single thing thing he achieved in his life - beating the strawberry blonde.

He read somewhere that keeping a notebook where you write down "stuff worth living for" or "appreciation posts" will help you fight the bad thoughts better. For now he only had two things:

1/ Back rubs from Asano

2/ Beating Asano

He hoped to quickly find more, preferably some that didn't revolve around his tyranic roomate.

* * *

It was 14:47 the last time he checked, but that was probably ten minutes ago. Which means that the school's lunch break has ended and the next lesson started about twenty minutes ago. Therefore, there was absolutely no explanation as for why exactly there was a stray Asano literally kicking the door out.

"What are you doing here," Karma's eyes widen in something between horror and surprise.

"I live here, thank you very much," the strawberry blonde swiftly walks towards the latter, "and we're going out. Now. Let's go,"

"What? No,"

"Yes, now."

"No, I don't wan-"

"Ist mir ganz egal, now get your ass out of the bed-"

"Why the hell are you pulling German on me?" Karma grimaced.

"Because I know it and you don't, obviously,"

"Actually,-"

"Whatever, get out of the b- wait, you're already out of your bed? Great job. A step forward. Now let's take another one and have a-" the strawberry blonde went on as he grabbed his roomate's wrist, pulling him out of the room.

"What the hell are you on?!" His victim protested by digging his heels to the ground - futily though.

"Fourth cup of coffee since the morning, my head feels like a milkshake, but that's not important."

"Holy fuck, I'm calling an ambulance!"

"No need, I'm absolutely fine. By the way, I still have half an hour before the next period. Literature was cancelled, so I finally have some time to take you out for fresh air."

Upon hearing that, Akabane stiffened. He realized that Asano sacrificed his precious, limited time just to actually make him leave the room. While there was guilt lingering in the back of his mind, the thing that actually occupied his mind right now was... what was it? Happiness? Gratitude? Disbelief?

His protests stopped, which of course didn't go unnoticed to the latter. The strawberry blonde stopped forcefully dragging his classmate and looked at him: "Let's go?"

Karma's habit of looking down was hard to break, indeed, but this time, it didn't last that long. He took that one second to pity himself, to feel awful for being a pain in the ass, but then looked up to be met by the beautiful amethyst eyes. Determined, strong, yet kind. These didn't show any annoyance upon having to take care of someone _damaged_ as the redhead. These didn't judge him.

"Okay," he whispers and the word holds more strenght and courage than anyone could ever imagine.

* * *

Karma's gradually making progress and now it doesn't take seven horses to make him leave the room. School is still something he can't get past though, but neither of them mind - for the time being - as they are both aware everything needs time and that pressure would do no good.

That morning though, it's not him who has a problem.

It's 6:15 a.m., the usual time Asano wakes up, but he doesn't get up.

He sits on the bed, wishing to stand up and actually get his work done, but he can't, because the world is spinning and it seems as though the two hemispheres of his brain got into an argument and were trying to kill each other.

Despite that fact, he pulls himself out of the warm, soft matress and somehow makes his way to the bathroom. He didn't even bother look at his own reflection, not that he could actually see anything not-in-double, and only brushes his teeth and washes his face in hope it would help.

It didn't work much though. As the strawberry blonde headed to the kitchen, his view blacked out and he fell to the ground with a loud _thud,_ not regaining consciousness for good thirty seconds.

The sound woke his roomate up, but Karma was too slow to realize that it was actually a body hitting the ground. Before he could find out though, the student council president has already come to and - in horror - pulled himself to the nearby chair to get some time and collect himself.

"Asano? So noisy the first thing in the morning," the boy who still lied on his bed muttered, his eyes half open, but too sleepy to notice that something was wrong.

"Sorry," he tries a smile and he's not sure whether it's a good one or not, "but it's about time to get up for school. Don't you want to try it today?"

Karma shakes his head and pulls a blanket over himself. For once, the strawberry blonde is glad for that answer because today, he doesn't think he's going to be a role model of "being fine".

The redhead's chest starts to steadily rise and fall again and Asano is left alone to sort out his thoughts. Thanks god he didn't injure himself seriously - if that small lump on his head didn't count.

Overwork, he realizes after a while, as he puts his face into one palm and closes his eyes.

The countless of days he went on with little to no sleep, the constant studying and physical exertion were starting to take a toll on him, apparently.

Logically, he should be probably resting today, lying in the bed and maybe even relax, but it's Friday and he doesn't want to leave a stain on his flawless attendance. He could just survive today and then sleep it up on Saturday, most likely putting off all the work on Sunday.

Yes, that was good enough, and that he went with.

* * *

The day was long and painful and on various occasions, he considered going to the nurse's office.

The expectant and admiring looks from his peers and teachers stopped him.

* * *

Karma on the other hand didn't have to worry about such things, being left alone and in peace.

However, the constant silence was starting to creep him out.

15:45 and the student council president hasn't returned yet.

On Friday, they had only seven periods after all. The football club was cancelled today as their coach was on away for a few days.

Maybe he got caught up in the crowd of his fangirls, Karma mused and returned to thinking about how to disrupt stuff Asano tried so bad to keep organised. He thought it would be hilarious to see the guy all mad.

He played his songs on full volume while messing with the strawberry blonde's sock index, order of books and hiding his so precious coffee. Oh and replacing sugar for salt. And toothpaste for mustard with wasabi.

Who said you had to be at school to do pranks.

However, it was getting late and his roommate was still nowhere.

17:12

Karma was reading a book by now and he for some reason felt unsettled. It wasn't unusual for Asano to return late, there were even occasions when he got home only past eight o'clock, but today there was a tight knot inside of his stomach.

His suspicions got confirmed right away.

The door opened and it was apparent from the first glance that something was not right.

"Asano?" the redhead stood up and walked towards the figure that sluggishly closed behind himself.

Gakushuu stood in one place without a word but immediately proceeded to slide down to the ground, his whole body totally giving up.

He has had enough. Once he was in the safety of his own territory, he finally allowed himself to take a break. Or to break. He also seemed to become apathetic towards the fact that now, there was a certain person hovering over him, probably horrified and all that. Asano didn't know for sure though, because he laid on his side, eyes too tired to even open, body too heavy to move and head hurting so bad he hoped to fall again and harder to maybe knock himself out completely.

Not that he wasn't near to losing consciousness anyway.

"HEY! WHAT'S WRONG?!" the yelling was however slowly getting more comprehensible.

"ASANO!" he felt his body being moved. It was only then that he fully realized that Karma actually sounded _terrified._

 _Such a pain,_ he thought and forced the amethyst orbs open.

"Ugh," he groans and blinks a few times in attempt to see properly but his vision swims - much more than he had ever swum in his whole life.

Karma doesn't spare a second: "Holy- can you hear me?! What's wrong? Are you injured?! Please don't tell me you overdosed on coffee, or this time I'm calling the ambulance for real-"

He said it in one breath, which both amazed and concerned the strawberry blonde.

But he didn't like this way of being babied. It has happened before and he managed fine. These blackouts of his were just a slight annoyance, a hidrance he sometimes had to deal with, but nothing unusual nor important. Being held tightly by another human being and worried about made him feel pathetic and weak.

"I'm fine," he simply answered and tried to sit up.

Miserably failing.

"Fine my ass, stay put. I'm really calling-"

"I'm fine,"

To that, the redhead grimaced: "You just fucking collapsed on me,"

"Nothing worth worrying about," he tried to sit up again and this time, his hands did hold him up.

"Excuse me?"

"I was just tired. That's all," Asano shrugged, keeping his calm composure despite actually being extremely uncomfortable talking about this topic.

"So you're telling me that you working yourself to the bone and then passing out is absolutely okay and normal? And you want to lecture _me_ about the way I live?"

To that, the latter had no reply.

"Okay, if you say it's just fatigue, no hospital," Karma sighs, shaking his head, "but I'm in charge of you now. I'm taking you to the bed and you're resting for the next two days, you got that?"

"I'm not a kid, Karma," Asano objects, a slight frown forming on his face.

"Indeed. You're an idiot, that's even worse,"

"How hypocritical,"

"Aren't we?"

And with that, the redhead picked his roommate up and then put him on the bed. He notices the way Asano ocassionaly squints his eyes and how tense his jaw is and concludes that he is probably having a headache. For that, he gets him a glass of water and digs out some painkillers. The younger one seemed reluctant to accept them though the speed in which he chugged them down showed that he truly needed them.

"Have you eaten anything?" Karma asked once the latter lied down.

Gakushuu doesn't even bother thinking about his answer: "Kinda,"

"What does that mean? Didn't you like have lunch?"

"Forgot to eat it,"

"You forg- you _fucking_ ," the redhead exhales dramatically, "you want me to eat my food but don't eat yours?!"

"Shut up,"

"Oh no, I'm not letting you off the hook so easily,"

" _Akabane,_ "

" _Asano,_ " he emphasizes Gakushuu's name even more than Gakushuu emphasized his and thanks god, the boy really stays silent.

"I'm gonna grab you something, stay put," the redhead shook his head in disapproval, looking around the kitchen to see what there was he could make use of. There were some convenience store sandwiches which they bought yesterday, some apples and oranges, a cabbage - oh, a piece of meat.

"Do you feel sick?" he asks as he takes out the bloody chunk of nutriton.

"No, why?"

"I'm going to cook, so it could smell,"

"Oh no, thank you very much, I don't need you to finish me," the strawberry blonde abruptly sat up, aghast, but got scolded and told to lie down again just as quickly.

"Excuse me, but you hurt my pride. I'm a wonderful cook," Karma declared, a hand on his chest. The only thing he got back was a suspicious look and a sigh of defeat.

Asano closed his eyes and started rubbing the area where his eyebrows start, partially releaving the pain. He didn't feel that faint anymore, but it was still like he was unsteadily floating between reality and a dream.

He fell asleep to the sound of his rival in working in the kitchen, (probably) attempting to poison him.

* * *

It was past six o'clock at the moment and when Karma finished, he found his "patient" out cold. He was torn between waking him up and have him eat something or letting him catch up on the so needed rest.

He was aware of the fact Asano liked to stay late, study and drain himself, but it was the first time he realized the extend to which it could affect his well being. Seeing the only person in this world whom he at the moment considered worth competing with, the only one whom he considered to be so strong and - he can't believe he's thinking this - _perfect,_ suddenly passing out and so weakened he could barely stand... it was strange. It was painful. And it made him feel horrible.

"Asano, get up," he finally decided to at least make him down something and then let him return to the dreamland, lightly shaking his shoulder.

The boy was pale, even more than usual, and the circles under his eyes darker than the night.

The "horrible" feeling he felt before was now morfing into something much more concrete.

Guilt.

This was his fault. He made Gakushuu needlessly worry about aditional things even though he already had enough on his plate.

And it was starting to make Karma sick. His pathetic self, his weakness, his inability to move on - it sickened him. It made his chest heavy, but not in the _I want to cut_ way. Unlike before, there is actually anger building up inside and telling him to do something about it. And he decided that this was the last time he would ever let such a thing happen.

He has had enough of hiding behind Asano.

"I'm going to school tomorrow," he whispers, determined. And not doing it only for Asano to check on him, but also for him to check on Asano.

"For sure,"

And this time, he means it.

* * *

 **Uwaaa this was realllyyy long. I mean, I worked on it a lot, I swear! Every time, it was hard to think of a way to continue, because I wanted to portray both of their hardships, not only Karma's. And there had to be something to force him out of his comfort zone, now? :) But in the end, I made it! Phew!**

 **Well, anyway, tell me what you think! I'm looking forward to seeing/writing/reading? you guys later! :D**


	9. Chapter 9

**AYO DARLINGS! FIRSTLY, THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS, FOLLOWS AND FAVS, I LOVE LOVE LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH T.T SECONDLYI need to stop writing in caps. Okay - I know I am late, but now it's finally holiday (heh, not really, still have to work) so I think the updates will be quicker!**

 **I shall probably explain myself - updating took me long for various reasons. One of them is that this fic is going to end soon (sorry, but it really is) and I needed a way to start up the final... issue, you could say. This particular chapter is more of that "start" than anything else and I always find it harder to write these "starts" than any other chapters with some action in them, because I want the description, thoughts and all around to really _fit_ to the character and plot.**

 **In this case, I struggled with mixing the good and bad that Karma was going through.**

 **So yeah. The point - thinking is hard.**

* * *

"Ready?" Asano asked, standing in front of the doors to the 1-A classroom.

The redhead did his best to keep calm. There was absolutely nothing to be scared of, honestly, it was just a normal school day, a normal classroom with (almost) normal students. No danger. No monsters. Just him.

Him and the world.

"No," he choked out after what seemed like eternity, breaking the eyecontact.

"Come on, you're so close. Just a few steps. Or are you going to back down like a scaredycat?"

Karma sighed: "I didn't say that,"

And sure enough, he wasn't going to run away, especially not when he finally beated his butt out of the apartment. Don't get the wrong idea though, it wasn't because of Asano's taunting. He made a promise and he intended to keep it.

"Great," the strawberry blonde smirked, yet he quickly dropped the sly attitude. They still had five minutes to the start of the first period but in that little time, they had to get through this irrational fear. Asano didn't quite understand why exactly his friend found the return to his daily life so difficult - was he worried anyone would see the cuts? Or that someone would find out about what happened? It didn't make sense. Though, since when do feelings make sense?

"Karma, let's go," he reached out his hand, a reassuring smile on his lips.

Easy to say, hard to do. Oh well, it was actually easy to do as well. He just had lift his right hand and take Asano's. That was it. But that wasn't all.

That hand was the only thing that has prevented him from completely destroying himself. It was these hands that held him together when he crumbled, when he thought the whole world was breaking underneath him. He knew they were there for him. He knew that those wouldn't hurt him. He knew _Asano_ wouldn't hurt him. So now, he just had to simply entrust himself into the sole safe place in this world.

"Yeah," he nodded and reached out to the warm palm that patiently waited there for him, ready to guide and protect.

* * *

The redhead didn't know what he expected. For his absence to be ignored? For everything to be the same? He has missed school for almost three weeks after all, providing absolutely no information whatsoever about his wherabouts or well being. Or at least so he thought.

"We heard you were pretty sick, is that true?" one of his classmates asked after the first period and soon, many more started swarming around him.

"Yeah, I guess," he pretended light-hearted mood though inside, he was quite panicking.

"What was even wrong with you?" another question came and it was the one he feared the most.

Indeed - what was wrong with him even, really?

"Hey, it's rude to ask that," someone remarked, which pretty much saved him from making up stories that didn't even make sense.

"I bet he was just slacking off and having fun somewhere," another boy rolled his eyes.

"Or wasting time with games,"

"And bullying elementary school kids,"

And there it was. The usual gossips and accusations. He was used to them, to the class thinking the worst of him, to them voicing out _every single thing_ they didn't like about him. It's not like just because he suddenly became first in the exams, they started respecting or anyhow acknowledging him. Sure, the school system changed, the attitude of teachers and students changed, but that didn't change the fact that some people here were assholes with the need to show off because they had low self esteem. It was easy to irritate those - just the fact that he was _smarter_ than them was enough to set off a passive-agressive war from their side. They were jealous. They were arrogant. Not to mention, the prejudice towards class E still persisted - not so strongly, alright, but it was still there. And as Karma was the only one left from E-class, he got all the "love".

He was used to it all but sometimes, it didn't help.

"Haha, for the whole month?"

"He's capable of it, totally"

"True," the class admitted and started laughing, with occasional _slacker_ or _malingerer_ being dropped.

He wondered why he returned to the class again.

He could have stayed home and studied on his own, nobody to disturb him, nobody to remind him that there was absolutely no one and nothing in this place that he cared about or what would care about him.

"I can reassure you that he wasn't ditching," a clear voice suddenly pulled him away from his thoughts.

Correction.

No one and nothing apart from this prick of an asshole Asano Gakushuu. This prick of an asshole Asano Gakushuu who currently occupied reasons-to-live list with his 1/ backrubs and 2/ defeat.

While Karma stared in surprise, the others forgot about him and instead turned at the strawberry blonde, who started saying some thought up story which actually didn't sound like a bullshit. But the boy didn't really pay attention.

It was strange to have someone - let alone the student council president and idol of their whole school - stand up to him. On one side, it was very nice of him. On the other, it maddened Karma to no end. In fact, it _offended_ him to the point he actually wanted to stand up and shout out that he was just stuck at home playing games and ditching school on purpose (even though he wasn't) just to for once let the strawberry blonde be wrong. It was insulting how _his_ words were left unheard, unnoticed, but just one mention from his rival could persuade the whole school. Or the world.

Did he really matter that little?

Was he really _that_ worthless?

He didn't say a word to that and only excused himself to the restroom, feeling a pair of amethyst eyes following him. Ignoring them, he swiftly walked out of the class and then went to the toilet, locking himself inside a cubicle. He hoped to get some peace and perhaps calm down and realize that he was overthinking, his feelings were too raw and too irrational, but that seemed near to impossible at the moment.

Not even five minutes later, the sound of door opening interrupted him.

"What's wrong?" Asano knocked on the door.

Karma was aware that all the latter did was meant well, but his breath still came out hard, his mind was still repeating the same _worthless worthless worthless_ mantra and his chest burned as much as the moment before he took a razor and cut himself.

"Nothing," the former E-class student answered, though it was obvious he was lying, "I just need to pee. Can't I?"

"That's not how you look when you need to pee. You are too lazy to go pee so you usually hold it in until you can't anymore and then run for your life to finally do it," it startled, or maybe even disturbed the redhead how much he was being observed in the last month, "What's the matter?" Asano wanted to know again.

That stubborn smartass.

"Nothing, really," he retorted, immediately regretting losing his cool, and then rubbed his eyes, "Sorry. Just leave me alone for a bit. Please,"

There was no point in telling him.

He wouldn't get it anyway.

"You know you can talk to me,"

No, he couldn't, because this perfect Asano wouldn't understand, because this situation was ridiculous and he would get laughed at for caring what the others say about him.

"I said I'm here to help you and I can't do that if you lock yourself on the toilet,"

The redhead felt like the sky was falling on him. He covered his face with palms, trying to find some refuge in the darkness they provided and hopefully muffling out the groan he accidentally let out.

"Karma," the other called out, this time his voice carrying a hint of worry, "open the door,"

"No" he shook his head, even though Asano couldn't see him.

"Open it. I don't need you to talk, just open it,"

He felt like crying, honestly, but he was at school, in an unfamiliar territory and showing weakness _here_ was unacceptable. Also, to break down just because of something like this, the first thing in the morning after finally going to school, determined to check on the strawberry blonde as well, after promising to get better... Pathetic.

"Open the door, Karma," he was urged again.

The boy dully opened his eyes and moved his hand to the lock. He left it there for a while, thinking.

Even though there was absolutely nothing in him that wanted to see a single human being now, he knew he had to face the reality. And if he wasn't able to act for his own sake, he would at least try to for Asano's.

With a hesitant click, he unlocked the cubicle and pushed to door, stepping out. The student council president was standing there, his expression something between a smile and frown. He didn't waste a single second to wrap his arms around the latter and gently caress the head that weakly fell on his shoulders.

"You did great," Asano praised him.

"Shut up," the latter muttered, "all I did was walk out of the toilet,"

Funny as it was, he was right. Yet it took him more effort than he thought was even possible.

"True, but you did, nevertheless. And that's great,"

"Do I get a reward as well?" he ironically asked.

"Hm, maybe. If you pull through today, I'm buying you the strawberry milk you love that much,"

At that, the boy shot his head up in surprise. Was Asano really being that kind today?

Then why not ask for something better?

"A strawberry shortcake," Karma beamed and it was so precious his friend found it hard to say no.

Just look at the puppy eyes though. How could he refuse?

"Fine, a strawberry shortcake," he sighed and slightly smiled at the victorious face staring at him.

And for a while, they both forgot about what has happened.

Which of course didn't last long for the redhead. School has never been fun (unless it was with Koro-sensei, but he was gone) and he literally suffered every minute there. It's not like the teachers were _that_ boring (though boring they were). The thing is, they were doing things which he more or less already knew. Despite being done with most things, he still had to pretend to be working, because just sitting there and looking around earned him a scolding for "goofing". Afterwards, he always had to deal with others having a word or two to say about how allegedly irresponsible and lazy he was for "half-assedly doing his work" while "others worked so hard".

It was a pain in the ass, but he wanted that strawberry shortcake.

Thanks god, the morning classes already ended. Only two hours left until he could go home.

For now - lunch.

Today, it was him making it. After the incident with Asano on Friday, he forced the boy to take a real break - from absolutely everything, from school, club activities, additional lessons to the normal things like cooking. Asano was quite glad to for once be free of any responsibilites, okay, but being babied, constantly kept in the bed and forbiden to even review his notes was just plain over the line.

Well, on Sunday, the regime eased up a bit. Just a tiny bit though. Which means he was allowed to walk around the room without having glares shot at him.

Akabane could be a dictator when he wanted to.

"Let's go eat lunch," he quietly told the strawberry blonde so that no one would hear them. He didn't want any more questions after all.

"Hm? Yeah, sure, go ahead. I still have to pick up some papers regarding the council work and go through it," he stood up and already started making his way to the teacher's cabinet.

However, the redhead stopped him: "No, I mean now."

At the sudden interruption, he frowned: "I said I still have some things to do. I will join you later,"

"I don't trust you and your 'laters',"

The class president rolled his eyes in exasperation: "Karma, you stuffed me with chicken and vegetable soup yesterday, I had a breakfast with you this morning and already drank a cup of coffee. I can survive two more hours,"

The other however shook his head in disapproval: "No can do,"

"Just go the hell ahead,"

But the boy stood his ground: "If you don't eat, then I won't either,"

A good minute, the two of them kept staring at each other, waiting until one of them gave up.

"You're impossible," the class president finally sighed and started searching through his bag for the lunch box, "Fine, let's go,"

And eating with him was probably the only time in the whole day that Karma didn't hate.

They finally managed to get through that first day, although barely. Then came the second, third, fourth day and Asano for once _believed_ it, when he thought that they were making a huge step forward. What he however didn't know was that Karma's aversion towards school remained there, _shamefuly_ there, unspoken. He didn't want to trouble Asano after being such a pain, after letting him think that things were getting better. He knew he was, in a way, cheating - lying to both the strawberry blonde and himself. But stopping was hard. Bringing himself to voice out his fears was hard. Doing anything that would worry his friend was hard.

It was sad, but he was slowly getting back to zero. Late nights spent wishing he didn't have to wake up tomorrow and go to school, because teachers were dull, classmates shallow, days felt bleak and his heart heavy.

Today morning was no different. Even after giving Asano a smile, getting up from the bed and splashing cold water into his face, he still felt like a corpse. He itched to do something, anything that would wake him up, return his soul to the body. Nothing he tried worked.

He received the results of yesterday's test, but even that 100% mark written there didn't stir up any joy in him.

Neither did the next one.

And all the others he got later on.

All it did was pile up on his desk and remind him that no matter how much he tried, he still felt as good for nothing as always.

It was probably a week later, long past midnight, when he actually decided to confess to Asano. The two of them went to bed only ten minutes ago, but the whole time Karma wondered what to do, until he at last mustered enough courage to speak up.

"Asano," his call was careful, unsure of whether the latter already slept.

"Hm," the other one muttered, the lethargy was obvious.

Karma couldn't have chosen a better time for this, could he?

"Do you mind if we talk a bit?"

"Kinda tired... but sure,"

The redhead stopped to think. How much has Asano even slept yesterday? Five hours? Wasn't as bad as it used to be, but it wasn't much either.

"I..." but he got promptly stuck, "um, you know..." How was he supposed to say it? What did he want to say in the first place?

He closed his eyes in despair. He didn't know how long he stayed like that, but it was killing him.

Speak, for god's sake.

Say it.

Whatever is fine, just start.

"I need help," came out of him eventually, "I can't do this anymore," he added, anxious of what the other one would say.

But the reply never came.

He realized that Gakushuu was already sleeping. And he didn't blame him. He was bitter, but he didn't blame him, because it was late, the boy was tired and it was Karma's fault for not sorting out his thoughts sooner.

The next day, he dismissed the strawberry blonde, when he asked what it was Karma wanted to talk about yesterday.

Two days later, he finally cut.


	10. Chapter 10

**HAHAHA I KNEW YOU'D DIE WITH THAT LAST LINE! I DID TOO XDDD**

 **Anyway, Karma relapsed, which in my opinion is something that always happens. I sometimes relapse as well, even after months of being clean. It just comes, bugs you and doesn't leave until you give in. Or until someone makes you forget. However, we aren't always that lucky. Or we just don't allow ourselves to be lucky. It's sad, but it's the truth.**

 **Alright, I know I will break hearts of some of you, but I have to declare that this fanfiction will be done in about one or two more chapters. It's just that the main point finally unraveled itself and stories should never be longer than they need to be. They would lose their charm otherwise, after all.**

 **I hope you enjoy this chapter :)**

* * *

He was thirteen when he first heard the term "self-harm". Maybe it was from the social media where some kids posted photos with awkward captions of "how much they were suffering". Or maybe he read it somewhere. Who knows. But what is for sure, he found such thing extremely disgusting, believing that it was only for attention. Yet it never left his mind - wasn't it ridiculous? The claim that pain could make someone feel better? The thought of hurting oneself was outrageous, but that might have also been why it struck him as so interesting.

Thirteen years was a strange age. It was the year that when you reached, you could be officially called a "teenager", (though his hormones have been going wild for some time already). It was also the so called _the_ _darkest era of human life_ \- either you did the most embarrassing thing, or you made the worst choice ever, or both.

In his case, it was second.

 _And till this day, he regrets it._

Nights were tricky. Nights were dangerous. They always brought the demons we have been trying to suppress back. Sometimes, we won. Sometimes, we didn't. And Karma had the misfortune of the latter.

It was a particularly beautiful night - ironically - with gentle snow falling, colorful lights decoring the streets and cheerful voices singing. December 25th, his birthday. And the day he hated the most. If not for the fact that he never asked to be born, then for the fact that apparently, no one seemed to have wanted him to be born either.

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, knees to his chin and drowning in the silence.

Not even one phone call.

Not even a letter.

Nothing.

The room was chilly, and for some reason, it worsened the feeling of emptiness in him. He was bored. Of sitting there, of being unable to even cry. He was so bored of this all. He needed anything to stimulate him. Anything at all.

That's when he remembered that he had a razor in the cupboard. Pain to relieve pain, was it? So he thought he'd give it. Why not? What was there to stop him? What did he have to lose? Surely nothing he valued.

At first, it was just a shallow, short line. Yes, it was more of a scratch than any form of purposeful way of hurting oneself. It stung a bit, only at the beginning, but the pain slowly dissipated until there was the strange feeling of accomplishment.

He liked it.

 _And that was the moment he lost._

The second time he cut, he did so in blinding rage. Once he returned home, he threw his school bag violently, crushing an ugly vase. He hated it anyway. But the shards it left were something different. They were sharp, they were promising, they called to him.

And that idiot was so weak he succumbed. Frustration and anger took over and before he even had a second to reconsider, he slashed his wrist with a piece of the vase. The wound was therefore clean and deep, bleeding heavily. He got slightly scared when dizziness hit him, but god, has anything ever felt better? It was the first time he understood the word "euphoria".

Now wasn't any different.

After resisting so long, the first cut was hesitant but more than anything else guilty and regretful. He did his best to stay strong. Asano did his best to help. And yet, here he sat, giving up on himself once again.

Over and over again.

As one cut became two and two became three, he forgot everything heaving his mind and only focused on the blood seeping from his skin. It was nice. It was warm. It hurt, but the pain has always been his faithful companion, one that would never fail to provide comfort. The redhead didn't take his eyes off, hoping to get lost in this all and to never return again.

However, the reality was harsh.

It slapped him in the face with a cold wet rug the moment he realized that one cut out of sheer despair became six and that the white sink Asano always insisted on keeping clean was a bloody mess. Yet he didn't feel mortified. He was already too familiar with this sight to even bat an eye anymore.

The redhead let out a long exhale and ran water over his wrist to clean it up a bit. Not even the burn from the contact with disinfection managed to snap him out of this trance. Ten minutes later, his forearm was neatly bandaged and the sink as clean as new.

No traces left to betray him.

And he actually believed that this slip-up of his would never come to light.

Maybe it truly wouldn't, were it not for Asano being way too familiar with cutting.

Despite always being busy, he didn't fail to notice the change in Karma's behavior the longer he attended school. The boy spoke less and less, his expressions were something between tired and bored and the last time, when he finally thought that the redhead would try to talk it out, he freaking _fell asleep._

He still couldn't forgive himself for that.

And yet, a few days later - as if nothing happened. Akabane was back to his usual self, even giving a smile once in a while and keeping up a conversation.

The drastic change alarmed the student council president and he had suspicions about the reason why this happened.

He hoped that he was wrong, he _prayed_ that he was wrong, but all of that seemed to do nothing. Because when he actually mustered the courage to grab Karma's wrist and let the long sleeves of his blazer slip down, what he saw couldn't be explained any other way: That, what he was looking at, was a bandage, and what lied beneath were cuts.

It wasn't only him paralyzed in horror.

"What is this?" Asano asked silently, although his whole core felt like it was burning.

Despite Karma wanting to hide from the stare he was given, he was no longer a child, no longer the ticking bomb that tried to kill itself in the heat of the moment. He understood that there was nothing he could say to defend himself, but there was the bitterness in him caused by Asano's constant absence and for some childish reason, he suddenly liked the guilty and mad expression the strawberry blonde was making. It felt like he was punishing him for not noticing something was wrong. However it sounded, it was the truth - ugly truth, which he was both happy about and ashamed of.

That's why he firmly answered, staring back at those amethyst eyes: "Cuts,"

Which most definitely was not how the latter imagined this conversation would go.

"When?" Asano trailed off and then added: "Why?"

"On Wednesday," the redhead hissed, feeling the adrenaline in his blood, "Because I felt like shit and there was no one I could turn to,"

Unbelievable how tempting the desire to put the blame on someone - or rather especially Asano - was.

Even more unbelievable what a horrible human being he was that he wanted his weakness to be Asano's fault.

And while the boy was so immersed in his own world, he was oblivious of the consequences his words could leave.

The student council president might have been strong, should have been flawlessly immune to criticism and accusations, yet when it came to this person in front of him, it was as if all his defense went down. He actually reflected on every single thing he did or things he didn't do that he should have and despite knowing Karma was just too hurt to think about what he was saying, he found some truth in the boy's words.

He wasn't there when Karma needed it.

And this happened.

He let go of the hand and stood there for a while, completely at loss as to what he should do. Say something? Do something? What? What could make him atone for breaking a promise? What could he say to stop his roommate from cutting again?

It was sudden, it was stupid, but something entered his mind.

The boy went off somewhere. The redhead had no idea why nor did he do anything to find out. He was too angry and stubborn to move his head and show any sign of care towards the latter, let alone to ask. He just stood at the spot with a jaw clenched, not sure who these feelings were addressed to.

Only after hearing the familiar sound of a box closing did he start getting curious. It took him about half a minute to abandon his pride and turn around only to spot something he wouldn't even dream of. Ever.

"What are you d-" Karma started but never finished the sentence, standing up abruptly in sheer horror and trying to stop the strawberry blonde from-

"Cutting myself," he answered plainly. And by the time Karma snatched away the razor from his hands, there were already two bloody lines on his wrist.

"What the hell?! Are you crazy?!" he got yelled at, but that did not change the cold expression.

"Maybe. But isn't this what you wanted me to do?"

"No! God, no, why?!"

"Because your eyes were screaming," Asano deadpanned, "they wanted me to know the pain."

And this time it was Karma at loss of words.

He hated to admit it, but there was some truth in those words. He was tired of seeing the popular and by all loved class president, everyone's prince in the shining armor. He was fed up with knowing how much better Asano was, how much more loved he was by everyone. It felt unfair. Even knowing that it was idiots admiring the strawberry blonde, it still felt unfair. Childish, wasn't it?

Yet Asano cutting himself as punishment was _definitely_ not what he wanted.

"I haven't done this in a pretty long time," the student council president suddenly proclaimed, a slight smile on his lips.

Karma was terrified.

"It still feels as good as I remember it,"

Even more terrified than when found out.

"We both understand this addicting pain, don't we?" Gakushuu moved his gaze from his wounds to the redhead. And at that moment, Karma understood what an idiot he has been.

He wasn't the only one fighting this battle of life.

Gakushuu has never been any better either.

Helping Karma was a way to help himself as well. It was a motivation to keep on living without having to hurt himself every time he felt under the weather.

And even this plan failed, what else was there to keep him away from the razor?

"I guess I can't fight this any longer," the brokenness of Asano's voice pulled the former E-class student back to the current situation.

He thought the boy was going to cry.

"I'm sorry, I used your hatred towards me as an excuse to cut," the amethyst eyed boy confessed, a smile automatically forming as if to protect him. From what, that he never found the answer to.

And for once, it was Karma's turn to offer solace in the form of a warm hug.

It was the first time he thought he finally understood the strawberry blonde.

The first time he saw through the facade of a strong soldier and found the lonely, scared boy waiting for someone to help.

There has never been anyone to help Asano.

And Karma realized only now.

"Let's clean those up," he suggested, gently taking the latter's hand into his own and leading him to the bathroom. They sat down on the floor and there he started with the process he was too familiar with, finishing it with a few wraps of the bandage.

"Never do this again," the redhead once he was done. "Please,"

"Right back at you," Asano chuckled, and it sounded even more rueful to Karma when he knew that the feeling he was featuring didn't reach his eyes.

"I'm sorry for being an ass," the boy sighed, lowering his head. "I... I was jealous of how well you went on with everyone. I was afraid that I didn't mean anything to anyone in this world, it made me lonely and desperate. And when I wanted to tell you, I was worried you'd judge me and laugh in my face."

But that was before understanding that Asano was neither an enemy nor an ideal. He was just like him, a human struggling to find a purpose in this ugly life.

"Sorry for being useless," the other one replied.

"Haha, what's up with that self-hatred? Did we switch roles?"

"And which roles did we have to begin with?" Asano asked and it was such a good question it left the redhead puzzled for a good minute.

"Who knows? But the last time I checked, you were the less suicidal one. What happened to your defensive barrier consisting of sweets and the book that is about to get published?"

"I ran out of chocolate and don't have the time to buy the book,"

"That's a shame. What are you even reading?"

" _A little lie,_ the second volume of the _Winter_ series," he said with a relaxed smile. "It's a good book," he added.

And so they sat in silence, which actually wasn't uncomfortable nor pleasant. It just was there, the third companion to their existence.

"Fighting this alone is hardly possible," Asano then declared, looking straight into the amber orbs.

"I know," Karma agreed, "So let's not,"

"Yeah," the strawberry blonde nodded. "Let's not,"

And they wouldn't.

"For starters, we should go grab a piece of cake. Or two. Or a whole cake, for that matter," Karma sent him a warm smile, hoping to mend whatever was left.

Obviously, the sweet loving Asano didn't refuse.

So they spent the rest of the evening in a cafe, indulging themselves with whatever it is that caught their eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Here it is, guys. The final chapter T.T**

 **I won't be wasting precious time with my self-depreciating remarks about the late update, just know that I am really sorry. (That's partly why I made this chapter so long)**

 **Anyway, what I wanted to say: This is the ending. It has been quite some time since I started this fic and honestly, I started it just because I felt extremely under the weather that day. I wanted to somehow release all the bottled feelings so I wrote the first chapter, which I also thought would be the last chapter. However, I'm glad that it didn't end up as a one-shot. First of all, it's because I love you guys and I love the reactions I get after each update XD It really lifts your spirit, I tell you! :) Secondly, writing this fic let me write down some stuff that to some extend bothered me and feelings which I didn't know how to describe.**

 **I know that this is just a story. A way to kill time. But for me, it was something more. And I hope that for you guys too.**

 **Thanks for sticking to it till the end :)**

 **I hope you didn't regret reading it and that you can also find some solace in this story.**

* * *

Karma wasn't sure what he regarded Asano as anymore. He was already sure that it wasn't hate that he harbored towards the strawberry blonde, but the feeling was just as strong. It kept burning him from the inside, it didn't let him sleep and yet, unlike hate - it didn't hurt. They have lived in the same room for some time already - months, actually, and he still couldn't tackle this mystery. Friendship? Rivality? God save him - _Admiration_?

He didn't know.

He didn't know if he even wanted to know.

What he, however, did know was that they were doing fine. Since the last... slip up, they haven't touched a razor or anything of that sort. They talked. They helped each other. They were always there.

And even Karma's aversion towards his class slowly dissipated.

It was great, actually. Too great to be true. He was scared that one day, he'd wake up in his bed with no idiot to yell at him for being late. He was scared that one day, he'd realize that this all was just a dream, a pitiful dream that his mind created to soothe his mind.

Sometimes, he had the urge to slap himself a few times just to make sure this was all real.

Sometimes, he couldn't help but inconspicuously, carefully, as if afraid of breaking this brittle peace, try and touch the strawberry blonde to make sure he was real.

Those times were his private hours, late nights, early mornings when the sun hasn't risen yet, birds haven't started singing and Asano was still sleeping (miracle). He sat on the floor, looking around in wonder, in amazement, then he stared at the boy in the second bed. There wasn't anything particular he thought about, he just... contemplated time. At peace. Calmly. Fondly. He thought that this sight was just plain beautiful.

Those were his precious moments when no one would see and question his actions, even if it was him just sitting on the floor, head rested on a bed that wasn't his and face inches away from the one he considered... what?

What was he to Karma, really?

* * *

The redhead retained his image and character of a mischievous devil, especially around Asano (which he proved by multiple pranks), yet he also found a new side of him. A side that could be honest, kind, that could talk to the student council president so very gently, one that smiled warmly and thought of nothing but of how to make the latter smile as well.

That side was initially a small bonus, something that appeared rarely, but now - it took over almost every time they were alone together. It was scary. But nice at the same time.

He really did want to make the strawberry blonde smile.

That's why he decided to surprise him a small bit.

"Asano," the redhead called out as soon as he returned back to their room, seeing the particular student sitting at his desk and studying.

The weather was starting to get really cold with autumn ending and winter starting. Karma has been outside for some time now, searching for a certain _something_ while it was snowing and now that he was back, his cheeks were flushed, fingers stiff from the cold and his body slightly shivering. He kind of underestimated his ability to withstand 9 degrees Celsius with a single blazer he wore to school.

"What is it?" Gakushuu turned around and sighed in annoyance right away, standing up.

"Nevermind, you'll tell me after you change or something, you're cold like ice, I swear," he shook his head in disapproval at the touch of his jacket "Where were you so long? And dress warmly dipshit, it's gonna snow the whole next week."

It was nice to have a mother.

Karma was forced to take off his trademark black blazer and put on a fluffy, warm sweatshirt which - alright, warmed him up, but still - looked ridiculous.

"Well, what did you want?"

Without a word, the redhead handed him a small rectangular object wrapped in light blue paper. It didn't have anything written on it, nor was it anyhow decorated. And yet it still managed to astonish the latter - mainly because of the fact that the redhead did something nice.

Or at least he hoped it was something nice, we still didn't know what was inside that box after all. It could be a snake or severed human fingers for all we know.

"What is it?" Asano eyed the latter in suspicion.

"You'd find out if you opened it, idiot,"

"I kind of need to survive this so would you be kind enough to tell me beforehand so that I can time my death?"

The teen rolled his eyes: "Just open it,"

Despite the strawberry blonde claiming his life was possibly being compromised, he didn't waste a second to do so. He might have felt a tiny bit (nah, really _a lot_ , but Karma didn't need to know) happy, but he didn't let anything show on his face.

Until he realized he was holding a book in his hand, a book that he has been dreaming of buying since last month but never really got to it.

His neutral mask slipped and the redhead immediately identified a familiar glint in the class president's eyes, one that could be compared to a five-year-old child going to an amusement park for the first time.

"This is..." Asano trailed off as he eagerly turned the book from one side to another, looking at it in any angle possible, smelling the pages, adoring the hardback. It was funny to watch, but precious as well.

"The second book of Winter series you drooled over, limited edition," Karma proudly declared, a grin forming on his face.

"You didn't," the strawberry blonde gasped and honestly, he felt like crying.

He wasn't going to sleep tonight.

This book was much more important than anything else.

Definitely not sleeping tonight.

"I did," he replied with a glee.

Gosh, was it beautiful to see Asano glee like a little child.

The other boy didn't think twice about his actions and in sheer euphory hugged the hell out of the redhead. If Karma disregarded the fact that he was one second from another trip to the hospital due to suffocation, he'd say this was one of the best moments in his life.

* * *

Asano really didn't sleep that night.

He literally resembled death with those blood-shot eyes, but as he said-

"Totally worth it,"

And then he died.

(No he didn't, Karma took care of him)

* * *

Let us skip the cheesy descriptions of how the weather has changed over the past two months and get straight to the point.

It was freezing.

Downright freezing.

Even hell froze.

And Karma knows because he's one hell of a devil. And he should know what was happening in his natural habitat.

"Oh, fuck it," he grunted as he shivered, air puffs coming out of his mouth.

"Stop swearing so much," Asano rolled his eyes upon having heard more exclamations in the past hour than ever in his whole life.

"I can't, it's so fucking cold," the redhead shivered to get his point across.

"Maybe if you wore more layers instead of a single fucking jacket-"

"Shut up,"

"You shut up,"

"Ugh," the delinquent rolled his eyes, his teeth chattering.

Asano was just so done. This idiot - _idiot^2 -_ went to school with a shirt (okay, long-sleeved at least) his usual _spring-freaking-thin_ blazer and an _autumn-at-best-thin_ jacket. No muffler. No hat. Nothing else at all. It was at least five degrees Celsius below zero and he was in _that. Such a twat, oh my god._

To Karma's defense, he really didn't sleep much last night so he couldn't be even a tiny bit bothered in the morning to check the weather and god forbid, adapt his choice of clothes accordingly. Also, he knew that it would have been fine if it were just a way to school and to the dormitories. He would perfectly managed that. However, fate hated him, Asano liked making his life hell and so here they have been, more than an hour already, shopping, looking around in the centrum of the city, because hello! It was going to be Christmas soon!

Also, they ran out of eggs.

"Can we please go home?" the boy cried in a childish manner, pissing the latter off.

"No,"

"Why do I also have to be here?"

"I need a second opinion," he retorted, "and another pair of hands. This is going to be heavy."

"I hate you," Karma sighed, absolutely exasperated, and returned to his shivering fit. It was starting to make the strawberry blonde uncomfortable. And - for the love of god - maybe even _guilty_.

"To hell with you, I swear. If you get sick, it's your fault," he clicked his tongue and started peeling the very thick scarf off his neck. He immediately missed the warmth, but honestly, he could withstand that.

"Here," he started wrapping it around the dumfounded redhead, high up enough to cover his ears and cheeks, low enough to warm his neck and a part of his torso. It looked kinda cute.

No, no, no, _it didn't._

"W-W-What are you doing?!" Karma finally realized what happened and started taking the blue scarf off.

Asano slapped his hands off, holding them in his own in order to stop the struggle. After sacrificing his own heat, he wouldn't let Akabane disgrace his effort merely because of his stubborn personality.

"We're going to be here for at least another two hours. Take it or die, dipshit," he whispered dangerously, daring the other to decline.

Not even a minute of staring later, the boy gave up.

"Urgh, fine," he accepted the muffler, pouting despite being slightly happy about being cared for.

Then again, this was Asano's scarf.

"If _you_ get sick, it's your fault, got it? You should have kept it. I'm not giving it back, you know?" he declared,

"Still your fault, I'm doing this just because I can't stand seeing your pitiful face any longer. It's annoying."

"We wouldn't have to deal with this if we just went home."

"Not an option,"

"How many people are you even buying gifts to? Dude, you already have a huge back of whatever it is that you bought, what else do you need?"

"This is only chocolate and Christmas greeting cards for our class. I still need something suitable for the teachers, my father - would a centipede do? - for my friends who study elsewhere, exchange students and friends from abroad..."

And also for a certain redheaded idiot who was too important to be just given a simple chocolate but too unpredictable to know what he'd like, which lead Asano to dragging him along in this awfully cold weather in order to find out what caught his attention and what interested the said idiot.

But shhh, no one had to know that.

"Are you kidding me?" Karma widened his eyes in disbelief, "Why so many?"

"It's expected of me," the latter casually answered.

To which, of course, the redhead rolled his eyes: "So all of your gifts are a formality?"

"No," Asano muttered, looking at his own feet, "not all of them."

The tone in which he said it made Karma curious, but he didn't get the chance to ask further as the student council president suddenly decided to go into yet _another_ shop.

Oh thank god, it was just a café, not a shop.

"What are we doing here?" the redhead asked in confusion, though he welcomed the warmth that embraced him, along with a pleasant smell of coffee. Much better in comparison with outside. Heck, he could fall asleep here. And he was starting to.

"Sit down, idiot" a voice suddenly jerked him awake. He noticed that the boy has already led them to a table with long white seats on both sides, enough to accommodate four people.

Asano took his seat on the left and Karma mirrored him, taking the menu and reading it through.

"I figured a small break would do us both good," the class president suddenly stated and the latter realized he was just answering the previous question.

"Probably the smartest thing you have done today," he retorted, earning himself a glare.

"Well, since I _did_ drag you here, you're free to order whatever you want. My treat."

"Hmm, very well then," he smirked evilly, the way a person about to deplete the entirety of the café would.

But come on, we know that Karma is a good person. He is very considerate and frugal. He'd never do that to his very important friend - despite knowing he had just enough money to buy a whole shop - would he?

"Hello, may I take your order?" a waitress came.

I take everything back.

* * *

"I hope you're satisfied," the victim of legalized robbery snorted, eyeing the empty plates around.

"Maybe," the redhead pretended to be deep in thought. Then he yawned, his eyes tearing up.

Asano raised an eyebrow to that.

"Sorry, I suddenly feel really sleepy."

"Figured. So do I. It's the change of temperature," he sympathized.

"Like really sleepy,"

"You just ate, people feel drowsy after eating. But just for sure - what time did you go to bed yesterday?"

"I don't know- two a.m.? three?"

The strawberry blonde slightly fumed: "Are you-"

"-an idiot? Nuts? Maybe."

"Get yourself a coffee or something."

"Roger that, mom,"

And there went the fifth order.

Meanwhile, Asano fished out some paper brochures along with a map. Yes, seriously. A map. Because honestly, none of them have ever really left the school/house/dormitory for longer than twenty minutes and absolutely sucked where orientation and shopping were concerned.

Also, it seems none of them had experience Christmas shopping. Karma never really _had_ anyone to give presents to (only this year, but that stuff he had bought together with the E class) and Asano was usually taken by his father's chauffeur to a bigger city with a wider range of goods. This year, he wanted to be here because... well, it was fun bugging Karma. So yeah, he actually never bought anything apart from food here.

"What's that?" the redhead asked, sipping on the coffee he had just been given.

"An attempt to make a plan," he stated, "So, where do you think we should go next? There are some popular shops in here, here and here, so we can check them out. Also, apparently, a new bookshop has been opened around here, so-"

"I can't see a shit, Asano, you're too far and the map is upside down from my view,"

"Oh, sorry" the strawberry blonde realized and stood up, moving to the place next to Karma so that both of them could understand what was being suggested.

"So anyway, I still need something for my father - since our relationship improved, it is not socially acceptable for me to give him anything life-threatening. Then something for Ren - he's something like my best friend by the way so a greeting card or anything half-assed won't do. I was thinking of getting him a book of Japanese poems, which I hope to find in that new bookshop I mentioned a while ago."

He stopped for a bit to think of a plausible way to ask Karma what _he'd_ think would be nice, useful or even better - what he himself would like. But the boy wasn't stupid (he was a moron, but not stupid). He'd probably connect the dots and Asano's whole plan, two weeks worth of mulling over it, would be in vain.

Dammit, he has been silent for already five minutes at least and still he had no idea.

Deciding to just casually ask _Hey, by the way, what do you think would be a good gift?_ or something like that, he took a breath and opened his mouth to-

Oh, wait, no, nothing. Because before he could do that, he felt a weight on his right as well as hair tickling him on the neck. Puzzled, he turned towards the redhead, only to find him dozed off on his shoulder.

He sighed.

This utter... _ugh_.

He was going through this internal dilemma and Karma just decides to _take a nap?!_

Honestly, he was so close to smashing his face on the table he had to start with the breathing exercises he found on the internet in order to survive prolonged exposure to Akabane.

The blonde looked at the time - half past four. That wasn't as late as he thought, but it definitely wasn't early. Searching for presents was time-consuming, which caused Asano to suspect that they weren't going to get home before seven o'clock.

But well, from tomorrow on, it was going to be Christmas holidays so they could actually afford to stay out for as long as they wanted (haha, not really).

Either way, he didn't feel like waking the boy up yet. First of all, he _liked_ silence. Much more preferable than Karma's cursing and whining. Second, it seemed like a sin to interrupt him with such peaceful, angelic (HAHAHA THE IRONY) face.

Whatever, he would decide on where to go next and then wake him up.

* * *

The square's clock struck five p.m.

The temperature decreased by four degrees.

The number of shops the duo visited: 3

The frequency in which Karma cursed: 12 minutes.

And Asano's attempt to find out what Karma would like as a present? As follows:

1/ A shop with random stuff

"Hey Asano, this is so fucking boring," the redhead muttered exasperatedly.

"It wouldn't be if you looked around and helped me."

"But I don't care,"

"About my request or the stuff here?"

"Both,"

"Fine, we're moving on. Let's go."

2/ Clothes Shop

"Hey Asano,"

"What,"

"Why are we here?"

"I'm thinking of buying my father a necktie,"

"That's so lame,"

"What is? Buying a necktie or clothes generally?"

"Clothes. Unless it's something special, it mostly seems half-assed. Like when you have no idea what to buy so you just get them socks or something."

"Does it?" the strawberry blonde asked, making a note for himself that clothes were most probably a big no for the latter.

"Or at least that's what I noticed," Karma shrugged.

"Alright, then I'm totally buying him a necktie. He doesn't deserve any better."

3/ Bookstore

By now, the two have stopped bickering and were starting to co-operate. Which admittedly still didn't make the student president's search any easier, but at least it was a bit more pleasant.

"What do you think about this book?" Asano held up a detective novel, hoping that it would interest the other.

"Looks fine, but didn't you want a poem book or something for your best buddy?"

"Yeah, but I haven't found one yet and I want to have a backup plan for sure. Has anything caught your eye by the way?"

Karma looked around, trying to recall anything impressing: "There are a few good math books I have seen around yet, but most of them are about stuff we have already done at school."

"I meant normal literature. Beletry."

"Uh... I don't know. Books aren't my forte. Films are better."

Asano fought the urge to scream _HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT_ into the redhead's face and kick him in the groin and instead focused on the new information - he liked films.

So after he bought a collection of most famous authors' poems for Ren, they went to an-

4/ Electronics shop

Which had films, electronics, games and lots of other stuff.

Asano had high hopes for this one.

"What do you think about this game?" the strawberry blonde asked, picking up a... something with a... space-like (?) cover? Ugh god, he had no idea, he never played any games.

"That's a film," the latter deadpanned, utterly done with the student council president, "And I have seen it. It's shitty,"

"Oh," the boy put it down and then took out another one, this time the cover with a very mysterious shade of a woman in the background and weird stuff on the floor: "This?"

"That's an erotic game. You like that stuff? Wow, never knew," he joked, snorting at how quickly the other one put the thing down, his face as red as a tomato.

"Shut up," he muttered, running into a more decent looking section, which also happened to be the kid section.

"First erotica, now kid stuff. Are you alright?"

"Absolutely, now look around and tell me what you think is interesting,"

"Why? Aren't we like done now?"

"No, there's still... a cousin of mine that I still haven't found anything to buy," Asano lied, looking straight into Akabane's eyes to look convincing.

However, after having had suffered such a long time with the boy, Karma already learned some things. That despite Asano being notorious among the E-class for his manipulative silver tongue, it was actually pretty easy to say when he was being dishonest. It wasn't in his voice, it wasn't really _anywhere_ , but damn Karma's instincts and super observation skills. He knew something was up just from the intense look in the other's eyes (come on, who ever gets so serious over shopping?) and the fact that they have been looking for presents for what, four hours? And that he had dragged Karma along, not taking "no" as an answer. And asking him so many questions about the presents. Seriously. Even Terasaka would figure out what was going on.

"Is that so? " he raised an eyebrow, tired of this game. "I didn't know you had a cousin. What's his name?"

About twenty names flashed through the class president's mind but he _couldn't freaking choose one because they all sounded so weird and no, he didn't have a cousin._

"His name is Aoi," he said in the end, the choice being a result of him spotting a certain blue chair two meters behind Karma.

"Interesting. How old is he? Where does he even live, one would expect he'd be in the same town as you. And what does he play? I can't help unless you tell me more about him."

"He's sixteen and currently studying abroad because his mom - my aunt - had her job promotion there," Asano improvised, simply sputtering anything that came to his mind. He switched to an autopilot, sensing that Akabane wasn't particularly convinced. "And I don't know what he plays, so help me find something that you think is good. Since you play them too, you should know whi-"

"Asano," the redhead sighed.

"What?"

"You don't have a cousin. Both your parents are the only children."

"Wha- You're wrong, my mom's-"

"Seriously dude, knock it off, I know you're lying. And I have seen your personal file already. No aunts, no cousins," the boy shook his head.

At that, the strawberry blonde queried, alerted: "How could you have seen my personal file?"

"Oh, I broke into the teacher's system once to change your gender to female."

"THAT'S WHY I WAS ASSIGNED TO HAVE PE WITH GIRLS?!" Asano shrieked out, about to lose it. Then he realized his lies got seen through.

And for a while, he stayed quiet, absolutely at loss of words. What was he supposed to do? Cover it up? How?

Seeing the internal struggle, Karma took pity on him: "You're trying to find a gift for me, am I wrong?"

"And if I say yes?"

"I'm going to laugh at you for five minutes and then hit you for making me suffer who knows how long just because of something this trivial."

"Fuck you."

And the redhead seriously started laughing. Not for five minutes though. Then his expression softened, a fond smile reaching his lips.

"You know, I don't really need anything. I'm happy with what I have,"

The student council president pursed his lips, not knowing how to answer.

"I'm serious!" the latter stated. And he started singing: " _All I want for Christmaaaas... is-"_

"Say _you_ and I'll kick you," The boy warned.

Karma puffed his cheeks, though there was a childish glint in his eyes. We couldn't say the same about Asano.

"Okay, okay. Honestly, probably the only thing I want for Christmas is a Disney movies marathon and food!" he laughed, joking (although not that much. He liked Disney movies. And food)

"You're such a brat, I swear," Asano rolled his eyes, so utterly fed up with having to deal with this five years old in a teen body.

But well, since there wasn't really any reason for them to stand in the children section (or the whole shop for the matter), they walked out into the streets, noticing that not only has the temperature dropped drastically, but the sun has long before set and the only thing illuminating the streets were lamps and shop lights all around.

The sight was quite mesmerizing. The town center wasn't particularly vast nor modern, yet it seemed like one of those Christmas markets you'd see in those beautiful famous cities.

Still, Karma was freezing.

Asano knew and as he calmed down, he began to realize that it was seriously unfair (and maybe cruel) of him to force the boy to walk in this freezing weather just in one jacket. They could have gone home for more clothes. But he decided not to, blinded by his excitement, eagerness and a slight bit of nervosity.

That's why he suddenly stopped in front of a store with Home decorations and stuff, excusing himself for a minute to go there and purchase a certain thing.

In a few minutes, he emerged from the building, holding a... blanket?

"Here you are," he told the puzzled redhead, wrapping the fuzzy and really _thick_ dark blue thing over him.

"What the-" his expression sour, Karma wanted to ask, but abruptly decided to change the question as he noticed the style (or pattern) of the blanket:

"Why _Mickey mouse_?" he yelped with the most confused face he could pull off.

"Because you're a trash for Disney, apparently,"

"You don't expect me to walk in this until we got home, do you?"

"I don't, but you might need it," the strawberry blonde smiled sinisterly, knowing that the latter had no other choice. Unless he wanted to end up frozen.

"Is this my Christmas present? If so, please never buy me presents again."

Asano snorted at that: "No, that's your birthday present. Christmas present is the film marathon."

Karma's eyes suddenly lit up: "Wait, we're really doing it?!"

All he got was a shrug.

However, it was obvious that the class president looked forward to it. He was slightly cracking up, refusing to meet the other's gaze because frankly - Akabane looked like a puppy with those amber eyes wide in excitement.

"You know what, wait here, I gotta do something," the redhead announced, running off somewhere before even letting the other ask where.

He returned a while later, something _extremely pink_ in his hands. Asano was getting creeped out just by the color itself, he didn't need to know what it was.

"No," he declared before the redhead even got the chance to explain the shitass-pink princess scarf.

"But I didn't even-"

" _No"_ he emphasized by putting his hands up and distancing himself.

"Come on, Asano, I'm just trying to return the favour," Karma grinned, almost sounding honest. Almost.

"If you bought a scarf, you should keep it and give me mine."

"No way in hell, it's already warm. I told you I'm not giving it back."

"What?" the strawberry blonde glared.

"What?" the redhead glared back.

"Give me mine back and keep this one!"

"No! I'm not giving it back, I warned you the first time!"

"Give it back!"

"No!"

And then they stared at each other for a really, really, _really_ long time. Until Asano clicked his tongue, breaking away.

"What," Karma spat out, which might have sounded angry to a stranger, but they both knew it was more out of amusement.

"You sound like a needy girlfriend," Asano explained grumpily.

"Then you be a nice boyfriend and suck it up,"

* * *

And guess what.

He did.

And guess what else?

They took bus home. Asano with the pink-super-pink-princess scarf, Karma with the Mickey mouse blanket. In a bus full of people.

Somehow, they went viral.

* * *

Also, Asano woke up at two a.m. that day, in sheer horror and screaming.

Karma woke up in process, the shit scared out of him: "WHAT'S WRONG?!"

The strawberry blonde tried to calm his breathing and then looked into the latter's eyes, his voice grave:

" _We forgot the eggs,_ "

* * *

Ah, what a story would it be without a proper ending? Sure, we could end the whole story with the horrifying absence of eggs. We could simply say _And they lived happily ever after._

But the truth is, they weren't always happy. They fought a lot, sometimes light-heartedly, sometimes over more serious matters. Sometimes they were best friends, sometimes they didn't speak for days. They were humans after all - they had flaws, they were stubborn, they were the boys they were. And yet, it seemed that their friendship has never been weakened. More like the opposite.

It morphed into something much, much stronger. Into something that couldn't be simply put into words. All that we knew was that it was Asano who helped heal Karma and that it was Karma who helped heal Asano. They didn't only heal the scars though. Nor did they didn't heal only the mind. They healed the cracks in their hearts, opened up them up, soothed them and gave them a reason to keep struggling.

The world and was nowhere near perfect, yet they both gladly went on.

It was a particularly nice day, with the sun's soft sunshine reaching even the darkest corners, with the fresh air fragranced by the first blossoms of spring.

Karma was sitting on his bed, reading a book that he was given by his bookworm roommate, absent-mindedly humming a melody, which surprised the latter.

"In a good mood, aren't we?" Asano noted, looking up from his homework to get a glance of the other.

"Mm," the redhead agreed, then met the strawberry blonde's eyes, staring for a while. He was wondering. He was thinking. Whether to say it. Whether he should say it. Yet all his fears disappeared as he took another look at the latter. At that moment, his expression formed into a sweet smile: "I found another reason to live,"

Asano's mouth was slightly agape but he quickly regained his composure: "Is that so?"

"Yeah," he said with that beautiful smile of his, sitting near the window and bathed in morning sunlight.

The blond felt the chilly breeze from outside blow on his face, yet among the cold, there was a single cherry petal landing on his hand.

The spring was about to come, it seems.

"I fell in love," the redhead suddenly declared, his voice gentle, peaceful, determined.

Asano widened his eyes, at loss for words.

Yet when he looked at those golden orbs, he realized it was quite simple, honestly.

 _I fell in love,_ Karma said.

For the first time, he forgave himself for the sentiment, for feeling what he felt and embraced it. Lips curving into a genuine smile, he answered:

"So did I."

And so starts another story.

A strange one, maybe, a sweet one, truly, but that one...

\- that belongs to them and them only.

 **The ending**

* * *

 **Once again thank you for reading this fanfic :) I hope it was worth it.**

 **By the way, I intend to write something (just short) about their Disney film marathon :D One day. Surely. So stay tuned!**

 **Lots of love, Satsuki**


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